twenty years on, and still full of shit

Nightmare

2008-10-11T11:20:00.002+08:00

There's a reason why they call it a nightmare. When something horribly unexpected goes wrong.

It seemed like it would never have happened. Could never have happened. But it did. And it is so horrible and so unexpected that it makes you want to scream. It feels unreal. Your mind half accepts it, and half doesn't. You're in denial. Severe denial. You just want to wake up.

The pangs of pain that pierce your heart when you wish, wish beyond wishes that you were back in the past... able to prevent the mistake, avoid the nightmare, wake up from your dream... Sometimes, it seems too unreal.

But it is. It is real. Soon, you slowly accept that it is real. Soon, you realise you do have to wake up. Cos if you don't wake up, you'd simply grow mad. simply. grow. mad.

To prevent madness, you wake up. You wake up into your nightmare.

a 90's kid and proud of it [General]

2008-05-02T21:58:00.002+08:00

ooh... was facebooking today and joined the group "If you find this familiar, you grew up in the 90's" oh... it was beautiful.

it was a list of things us 90's kids used to do... i loved it. loved it. it was so nostalgic...

but it was kinda american... so now i'm inspired to make my own singaporean list!!! hey all you fellow 90's kids our there... the 90s was a great time to grow up... feel free to comment on my list!!! so here goes...

If you grew up in Singapore in the 90s, you grew up in a time of:

recess block catching

waking up on sunday mornings to catch spiderman cartoons on channel 5

Captain Planet and Ninja Turtles

watching sesame street just to see what the letter of the day was

Art Attack on TCS Channel 5

Cartoon Network playing Atom Ant, Scooby Doo, and Huckelberry Hound, yet it was so hot

wanting to trade your soul for a Sony Playstation

ultra huge Laser Discs, not DVDs or VCDs

'mama shop' snacks and comics (like Dennis the Menace)

reading Goosebumps

"Are You Afraid of the Dark" scaring the shit out you

Care Bears, Transformers, GIJoe, Creepy Crawlies

Biker Mice from Mars, Street Sharks, X-Men

loving Christmas (it was the best time in the world)

Christmas meant a much-desired trip to TOYS 'R US!!!! (which we thought was what heaven must be like)

shooting paper pellets in school

kicking around plastic water bottles cos we didn't have soccer balls

doing that to pose for girls

singing super-gay boy band songs in the shower (who could forget "I Want It That Way?")

Spice Girls and S Club 7

annual Disney movies like Lion King and Aladdin and Beauty And The Beast

the Internet was a scary mystery

mental sums in school

PETS Textbook

penmanship

Ravi, Bala, Ahmad, Ali and Siti being the main characters in problem sums

fiercesome chinese teachers

recorder lessons for music class

road safety park in east coast

writing in colourful super-cute autograph books when Primary 6 came, and it came time to part

spending small change on Arcade Machines (jamming the buttons on Marvel VS Street Fighter, and being ecstatic when we could do a 'hadou-ken')

doing 'hadou-ken' in school, and thinking it ws dam cool

pokemon and digimon and tamagotchi

collecting pokemon cards

polly pocket advertisements

caning in school

being dam scared when the prefect wrote your name down

saying "f*ck" was as big as smoking...

kids would say "Orrrr horrrrr..... I tell teachheeeeerrrrrr...."

teachers were still feared

you could block being caught by crossing your index fingers and saying "Twist"

you decided matters by saying "eeny meeny miney moe... catch th espider by the toe... if it cries, let it go... eeny meeny miney moe...."

pepsi cola one two three

hopscotch with wallets

chee goe pah!

chopsticks

hmm.... that's all i can think of so far...
but thinking of these things really bring back a time long past... when things were so much simpler and more innocent...

so guys... if you find these familiar, let me know!!! tag my tagboard... and add more things t my list if you can... haha...

the answer in jeans??? [Church, General/Catholics and Protestants]

2008-04-30T21:53:00.003+08:00

this is a follow-up on my discussion yesterday. i always like interesting metaphors so here goes.

i think the answer may lie in jeans. yes, jeans. as in, the kind you wear.

apart for looking for a job, i've also spent the last few months looking for a good pair of jeans. i was looking for the skinny emo type, either full white or full black. alas, my search yielded no fruit for the last few months.

last week, i went on a desperate hunt for the perfect pair of jeans. i found many tops, but no jeans. i was so exasperated that i proclaimed that finding a great pair of jeans that worked for me, was like finding a life partner. very hard.

and luke replied that a lot of pple said that too.

hmm, so i was right i guess.

here's my problem. skinny jeans just don't work for me. most of the type i'm looking out for now are skinny. bootcut doesn't work too, cos i'm too short. straight is boring, and i have two really great pairs of straight cuts that i wear all the time, and all other jeans look similar. so everything was either too bland, not unique, or exciting but didn't suit me.

my searches seemed in vain.

but today, something interesting happened. it was a marvellously amazing day for me, even though i didn't plan any detail. and at the end of the day, on the train, when it seemed like it couldn't be more perfect, something interesting happened.

i really had to pee.

now, boon lay to pasir ris is no joke. it's a straight one hour plus plus train ride with no pee breaks. but i desperately needed one. so i alighted at city hall, and (reluctantly) paid the extra fee. thinking i might as well not waste the stop, i decided to browse around river island and topman, just for fun. i almost left, but then suddenly remembered that i was looking for jeans!!! so i turned back to serach one last time, just to give it a shot.

and i found this pair of full black jeans that were "Slim", which is in between skinny and straight. i knew i was short, so i needed Length 30. and so i deliberated between W32L30 and W30L30. W32 seemed to sit just perfectly, but W30 was more interesting. i almost left and asked luke to come back with his card on another day to but me the jeans so that i could use his discount. but then.... i realised that there was a sudden 20% discount, which was more than his 10%, and rendered his card useless for the period of the discount!!! so the $60 jeans became $47!!! so i didn't hesitate. i bought the jeans.

God paved the way perhaps?

thinking back... i think i see some lessons here. bcos i now know it's the perfect jeans for me. why? bcos:

1. i know i'm short, and L30 is the shortest, and L32 is too long, so my pair is not too short or too long.
2. i know it's not too big, cos W32 worked.
3. i know it's not too small, cos W30 looks more interesting than W32.
4. i know it's the best "slim" fit i can find, cos the only other one looked like the one i already have and it costs more than $100.
5. i know black is better than white cos the only white is skinny, which doesn't work for me.
6. i know black is better than red, or blue, for the same reasons above.

so in other words, this "perfect" jeans, and the PEACE in the certainty that it is indeed perfect, could only have come from hours and hours of endless searching and trying on of skinny jeans, long jeans, short jeans, and searching for different colours, patterns etc... in other words, disappointments have made me find the perfect pair. and this time, i wasn't even looking.

ok maybe, this is going a little too far and bordering on the superstitious... but maybe it's true. today, i was extra prayerful. i mean, i felt good today, so i started the day confident, and offered it up to God in prayer. i carried my Bible around (which is rare). and i prayed the rosary.

it's not a 'bao gao liao' thing, but more of an additive effect. you see, i started out the day feeling good. so i pray. and good things happen to me. and so i feel better, and happier. and so i pray even more. and more good things happen. it's just one of those really good days. and i owe it to God.

i mean, EVERYDAY is owed to Him, yes... but i felt that today, He went just that little bit extra. and it made my day. perhaps it's His way of reminding me that He really is God. The big guy. The Big Kahuna. The boss. The guy who can make or break me, or anyone else, for that matter!

So it's a timely reminder to trust in Him. Right when i need it most.

And perhaps the answer does lie in my slim jeans...? That all this searching, all this confusion, stress, frustration, and anxiety over my destiny.... all these questions.... perhaps all of them ARE indeed necessary. in order for me, when i get in the final Uni course, be it Local or Overseas, be it Engineering or Medicine or whatever, be it sponsored or self-funded, be it NUS or NTU or SMU... whatever!!! that where i end up, i will know that it is perfect for me. like the perfect jeans.

or maybe not.

maybe it'll all never end.

but it is days like these that make life worth living. it is days like these that remind me, with ever greater certainty, that there is a Big Guy out there, and that He's looking out for me.

Amen.

thinking about thinking [General]

2008-04-29T13:39:00.003+08:00

what really is wrong with me?

what i mean is, why am i never able to find what i want? as in, in a job?

let's break it down. i think what i really want, deep down inside, is to be settled. it's a strong desire to know--for sure--my purpose in life, my destiny, what i am meant to do, and to be content about it for the rest of my life, because that's what i'm meant to do. i want to stop beating about the bush.

paradoxically, it's probably precisely this desire to be settled that keeps me being unsettled. confused? me too, i think... it's a bit of a new revelation for me, too so please let me explain.

all my life, ever since the first streaming in sec 2, i have had doubts, uncertainties, decisions, fears. i have desperately searched for direction, answers, and had been all too eager to realise a so-called 'epiphany' or 'enlightenment', aka the 'eureka' or 'aha!' moment.

when i said i loved history. when a friend told me i was 'meant' to be a teacher. when my friends and brothers said how good i was at teaching. when i decided against studying abroad in jc2. when i decided i loved physics. when i decided (just 2 years later) that, in fact, no, i hated physics but loved biology. when my dad said that i could achieve my full potential, and i decided to do medicine. when i read a book on job-hunting that gave me new perspectives. when i decided i wanted to study economics. and now i'm even deciding... hmm... maybe i could do law, too? army. ordeals. tuition. scouts. community work. physics olympiad. all these "key events" that amount to naught, bcos they gave me key 'revelations' which were contradicting, and now it would seem that my direction is all muddled up.

and after years of so called "life-changing revelations", i perhaps realise the one revelation that really does matter... that there is no such thing as a revelation at all.

or perhaps this is just another one of these bogus revelations. but then again, it's a paradox, and may or may not exist. eg like "this statement is false" kinda thing, but i'm really getting technical here, and i guess you see my point...

and i don't know. my second year of job/degree/scholarship hunting is ending in another dead end. and i'm about to move into my third year, my final shot, my last chance. in a sense, it is a bit of a relief, that i would be settled (cos i can't possibly make any sound changes after this) but then i would have to come face to face with (possibly my ultimate) fear of "sealing the deal", closing the door to options, coming face to face with my destiny, and the possibility of going down a path which i would regret.

it is not too late, i still have a year left for soul-searching. but it is precisely this desire to keep it within this "not too late" stage of limbo that prevents me from making the commitments that are required to succeed and be settled.

i think too much.

pray for me. please.

pray for us, [Church, LOM]

2008-04-21T21:22:00.009+08:00

everyone in Our Lady Of Mount Carmel Junior Curia, who reads this, pls pray for us... your prayers are needed now more than ever.

Important things are going on that could make or break us. What that is, is not right to reveal now. there is a battle that must be fought, and once again some of us are called to stand by each other. we must throw our weight behind those who speak for us, and be prepared to make a stand.

for those who read this and do not understand, know this: it's ok. this battle is not yours, although you will certainly feel its effects. your role now is the same as always, to pray. pray for us, pray for the Curia officers, pray for the mission of Legion.

above all, remember this: hold true to your heart the mission of the Legion, which is perfectly in sync with the mission of the Church, of whom Christ is the head. although we are organised in specific groups, we do not work for these individual groups, rather, we work for God. always remember that. so many people forget it, and that will cause much suffering and confusion. but know who your Master is, and there is no confusion. we will speak on the side of truth. but keep your hearts open to God, avoid sin, read the Bible, pray, be receptive to the Holy Spirit, and you will not be deluded away from the truth. listen to Him, and you will bravely face those who wrongly accuse you of working against Him.

and pray. always pray.

and when you pray, know that it works. when you pray, know that you are making a difference. when you pray, know that even though you may not know what you are praying for, if you are praying for God's Will to be done, it is already a great and powerful prayer. pray in faith. trust in God.

and pray now for the Legion. everything will be revealed in time, but for the time being pray for us: that God will sustain us, that Jesus will be with us, that the Holy Spirit will guide us, and that Mother Mary will pray for us and with us. pray for the future of LOM, which is dependent on more than just this battle, but many more battles on the fronts faced at the Presedium level. each presedium faces a battle, pray for each of them too, especially pray for sound leadership.

for those of you who DO know what i'm talking about, we must unite in this. don't worry too much, whatever the outcome, we must allow ourselves to be guided by God, we must know what our morals are, and they will be our guide and our shield. hold them close. hold God close.

it'll be ok.

ANNOUNCEMENT, [General]

2008-04-21T21:22:00.004+08:00

With effect from this entry, I am separating my blog entries into categories, so that ALL readers can read easily things that are related to them.

The categories are:

General--for all
Family--for my family
Army--for my BMT or 8SAB friends
VJC--for my VJ friends, esp those from 05S16
Scouts--for my wichita scout friends
Church, general--for all Catholics
Church, LOM--for my Legion Of Mary friends
Church, Cathecism--for my CON 1 Class or fellow Cathecists
Church, Catholics and Protestants--entries aimed at ALL Christians

The categories will appear in square brackets, [like this] and if an article is aimed at mor than one group, it will be separated by a slash, like this: [Family/Church, general]

Hopefully, I won't need to explain too much terminology from now on.... And if you don't fall in that category, feel free to read, at your own risk of being confused by jargon or terminology or acronyms that are not meant for you...

OK, hope this works!!!

my first... eulogy?

2008-04-04T10:44:00.006+08:00

i've been planning to write this ever since i heard the news of Grandpa's passing. a... draft 1 eulogy... you might call it...? been really busy yesterday with the wake and all, and now got some free time to kick back and write this...

when i heard of his passing, i strived to recall what exactly his last words to me were... the last two times i met him alive, he was incapable of saying anything, and too weak... So this means that it goes a while back.

So i suppose i'll have to settle with this incident: We were in Grandpa's house visiting him, and he called me over. He asked me if I was going to be a doctor. I said nicely, No, knowing that his memory was poor and he was probably still stuck in that period last year when I was applying for medicine. So he said that I was the smartest Ortega (which is the family's opinion), and that I had to bring greatness to the name. My parents were around me at that time, and it was all very awkward. So i said, awkwardly, something like... ok i'll try. And so that was it.

At this point i must state that, unlike most people, i am fortunate enough to have parents who do not place unrealistic expectations on me. But everyone wants us to live up to our fullest potential. And on further reflection, I think that i don't really see and of us Ortegas achieving really prestigious or shining professions. So i feel a subtle pressure for greatness.

And as i said, that was it. I suppose if grandpa had known that would be his last words to me, he would have said something else. But, to steal a line from Jim Carrey, that's the way the cookie crumbles.

And so now i think i'm probably destined not to fulfill this. In this past few years, I have suffered many failures and rejections. My fencing pretty much failed, drama CCA failed, NTU Challenge didn't get any prize, got ungraded for Bio S Paper, failed to be an Officer, rejected by PSC, rejected (in a way) by MOE, rejected by Firefly, even rejected by SPH. It would appear that, after ngee ann sec, my whole life is spiralling downward, and i ask my self: what the hell am i doing wrong?

and the most frustrating part is, that i have excellent A level results, and all for what? What do they get you? A few praises here and there, but where is my overseas scholarship? where is my path to greatness? where is my medicine course? where is my Government job? not with me, that's for sure. For all my results, hard work, and restless nights, all i am left with is an uncertain future. i suppose i will lead a stable life, but it is a path of mediocrity. and can i accept that? how can i be the great Ortega that Grandpa wanted me to be? how can i fulfill this niche, of which i am the family's greatest hope? are we Filipino Catholics doomed to achieving less than waht we can really be?

then when thinking about what to say about grandpa i rememberd this sad state of mine, albeit with a twist: a Bible quote, which is one of my favourite and most inspiring quotes: and it goes:

"Not by might, Not by power, but by the Spirit of the Lord."

Zachariah 4:6

So i suppose that's the answer to all this? Trust in God. And He will lead me to fulfill my true destiny. Destiny is not what people expects of us, but what God wants for us. He leads us thru failures and disappointments to , in His own weird but perfect way, make us become who we are supposed to be. All we have to do is keep at it, work hard, and above all, Trust in Him.

And, yes, looking at the three Ortegas i know closest--My Grandpa, My father and My Father's Brother, all of their own lives were controlled largely by uncontrollable circumstances. In other words, God lead them to where they are.

and i suppose that this is all a reminder that i've gotta be consistent with my values, to do what i've been doing all along, to continue along the path that got me here in the first place, and all the time to know that th e Spirit of the Lord is my greatest might, my greatest power, my secret weapon, and my key to greatness.

but when all is said and done, this blog entry isn't about me, it's about him, my late Grandpa. So then, wht of his last words to me? what of his hopes? does this revelation, then, somewhat diminish the significance of his last important words to me? No. rather, it opens my eyes to see the true purpose of those words, even if it was not apparent to Grandpa alphonso himself when he said it. and it was to remind me of this. to remind me to keep on going for the best, but to Trrust in the Spirit of the Lord, and in His power and wisdom in all these. all i had to do is allow God to help me read between the lines.

and that is who my Grandpa always was to me. a beacon of advise (even if mostly thru my own father), and an instrument for God to speak to me. my fondest memories of him was, funnily, petty gambling on holiday trips, with small coins and cards and all the cousins, and it was all really fun and memorable.... it showed me that such a great role model was ok with having this kind of fun, and that life itself was about fun and humour, friends and family, as long as God remained in the picture...

and so this is my tribute to a man who lived for God, and for all of us. a great musician, a great father, a great grandfather, and a man who lived--not by might, not by power, but by the Spirit of the Lord.

his blood is in my instrument, and his song is in my soul.

first thoughts of a new era...

2008-03-27T01:00:00.002+08:00

was supposed to be 'last thoughts on being 19'. but i didn't get home in time... haha...

hmm. i always do this. write on my birthday. what it means to me.

well, this time, it wasn't as bad as i thought. i was dreading this day. the day i cease to be a teen.

i remember my reaction when i turned 13. i was dam emo and sad. i guess not being 12 anymore was a big milestone for me, and represented to me, an era left behind--an era dominated by my primary school, which i loved so much. an era that would never come back.

well, how do i feel now that i'm no longer a teen? and i'm not quite a twenty-something, yet, just a plain old 'twenty'. in between. in between a kid and an adult. strangely, i'm not sad or anxious or whatever. hmm, maybe it'll take the morning to let the truth set in.

in any case, birthdays are milestones and all... but when they're over, life still goes on... i'll still be in NS for 3/4 of a year and life remains...

then there comes the trickiness of resolutions... and really, there's only one that bothers me... every birthday, i vow to myself to change the status quo by the next birthday. alas, the cycle repeats itself. (of what, you readers can guess...) oh well, maybe next year...

above all, i hope to continue to remain close to God, and to get closer to Him, and i know He'll take care of everything in His own time... God never fails to amaze and sursrise me, acting in ways i least expect... let's see what He has in store for me this year...

and here's to life, love, friendship, and all the good times... may they be always cherished, more to come, and be touched by the presence of God...

cheers!

holy week musings...

2008-03-22T10:25:00.002+08:00

hey all... realise my blog is dying... well these days i've been applying scholarships and all, and it's a really tiring process... kinda like groping around in the dark... (i hope i conjure up an image of beign lost, not clubbing, lol...) and it's really all guesswork, trial-and-error and everything... it's mentally draining... and i'm glad the application period is more or less over...

you know, i realise that in life, if u wanna get things, you wanna grab opportunities, you really gotta grab em without thinking... take first, ask questions later... esp if you're like me liddat... think too much, talk too much, do too little... a NATO i guess? scholarships is like that....

ah... just came back from LOM training camp, and i think it went pretty well... the tolerance level of all of them really amazed me, although i think the spiderweb station broke many of them... in any case, they were quick to 'revive'... so that amazed me...

the disappointment was the lack of drama... i think we all visioned a really dramatic camp, and it all seemed somewhat... lacking? the candle session, the cert presentation and all... lacked a certain amount of pride and achievement on the campers' part... which made me sad for pet, cos she really put in a lot of effort for the souvenirs and the bands... and finally, i wonder whether the campers really took home the message... that an officership is NOT a game, it is NOT something to be taken lightly, and that we have the power to MAKE OR BREAK legion thru our everyday choices...

here's a poem, by me...

love is...
how do you know you love her?
when you would give it all up for her
not all at once
but a little everyday, into forever.

so ya... think about it.
there are many things we can love. but love--true love--always takes on the same form.
which brings me to my next topic... the good friday sermon...
i think it was an amazingly good sermon... i know a lot of olps pple can't stand FAT (sorry it sounds insulting, but that is the acronym of his name..., and i mean it in the greatest respect...) but i think he's swell...
i know he speaks really slow and sings really slow, but he has substance. and it's not right to imitate or make fun of priests, although i confess, i have done it many times... but now i really got to know FAT, i respect him alot...

i'm not a big fan of the Latin mass and all, and my stand on it is NEUTRAL. but when FAT brought it to OLPS it showed that he was ready to work hard for a cause he believed in... and there were many supporters! which means that he didn't implement things the pple didn't like, he simply gave a voice to a minority...

and his sermon yesterday was surprisingly good... as always, it had substance... both theological depth as well as relevance... but this time it had something FAT sermons usually lacked... an outward expression of fiery passion! he opened up about a dark moment of his Priesthood and his life (which, i'm guessing, for a conservative guy like him, is extremely hard to do...), and that moved him to tears! (another uncharacterisitic FAT moment, although u prob see it more with FGVG...) this story... his life... gave weight to his message that True Love requires sacrifice and pain.

it's a hard message to hear, but it's the truth. i am always moved by stories or images of people who spend years or decades of their lives devoted to caring for... say... a down's syndrome child, or a bedridden mother, or a vegetable husband.... i always wonder how they do it.... and sometime i ask myself... would i do that?

it's really easy to get carried away by of romantic love... we say we wanna spend our lives with her, we will die for her and all that... but don't we see the deeper flaw here? i mean, it's easy to die for a person if you're so madly in love... you can't really grasp what you're missing, caught up in the moment, an impulsive desire to be a martyr... (no offense to Jesus, but there's a religious explanation why He's above this)

it's easy to die for another person, but it's not easy to LIVE for another person... of course you love her now, when she's beautiful and coy and makes you laugh... but can you still love her when she becomes a bag of wrinkles? when she becomes grumpy everyday? when she becomes sick and leeches the life out of life? when many other younger, funnier, sweeter girls pass you by? when a potentially carefree life passes you by? when everyday you yearn to leave her and take hold, grasp the ownership of a better, freer life that you should be living? when life passes you by? when you watch your glory days fly past you and you know they can never return? ever.

can you devote yourself to a person like that? can you wait? can you give up your life, your whole life, one day at a time, when it screams for you to claim it? i don't know if i can. but i deeply admire pple who do...

i guess that's why FAT really cried during the sermon on good friday... He said he wanted to leave the Priesthood. which means that he felt exactly this. he felt that his life was passing by him, and would continue to pass by him, if he did not claim it, if he did not leave the Priesthood.

but he held on bcos of love. a difficult love. a demanding love. a love that, most of the time, seems not worthwhile. love of what? of whom? God? the Church? a people who did not fully understand his sacrifice? it's hard to love when you don't get loved back. it's hard to love when you don't get understood. it's hard to love when most of the time you have to ask yourself "why am i doing this?" and have no answer. but he still chose to love.

that's probably why he cried. that's probably why he kept repeating himself. bcos the message--Christ's message--of True True Love, was so precious, and so tender, and so personal to him. and he literally poured out his entire life, his entire being, on stage, on the alter, for all of us to see. but how many of us saw it?

and that's why i respect FAT.

so yup, that's my bloggg enty for today... cya all ard... and i'll be 20 in five days... no more a teen...

that scares me.

poem time!!!!

2008-02-22T23:28:00.003+08:00

hey hey hey!
i feel like posting a poem i just wrote cos my blog is gettin empty...
amd it's a lovey kinda thing jus to show that i do have a romantic side...

so here goes...
it's titled...

inspiration

Loving you

from a distance

behind a veil

...all smiles...

isn't as hard

as i thought it would be.

You gave me

words

gave me

romance.

music.

in those lovesick years.

when you seemed closest.

certainty

uncertainty

congealed in a heady mix.

if all romance is but a compromise,

why must we compromise?

why must we settle for less than perfect?

You gave me

peace.

confidence.

and belief still

in myself

and my ablility

to be truly glad for you

(oh that cliche)

to be truly glad to see you

live a life

live out all your

ecstacies

and powdered gall.

a life

that i was not a part of.

and then to find a certain courage

to look away.

and so the momentum

in its crotchets and crescendoes;

staccatoes and

passaionate sforzandoes

make the days

tick along into years.

stretch

but in those stretching years

love,

that everlasting

fickle bitch.

returns moments.

when we see again

what all that fuss was about.

see you again

behind a screen

your soul

written

streaked in words

in secret.

and being inspired

cos i still love you

(and always will)

from a distance.

self censor

2008-01-13T21:20:00.000+08:00

in view of the shocking news that certain individuals know how to use a computer,
i have decided to self-censor certain words in my previous post,

for the maintenence of peace and harmony :)

and general well being of everyone.

my statement

2007-12-28T00:55:00.001+08:00

in view of all the passionate debate going on on nigel and cuilings' blogs, i really really feel i need to say something...

Number one: Legion of Mary freaking ROCKS our world!!!!!!

Nunber two: Anyone who stands in the way of someone who loves Legion so much, deserves to get *self censor*.

Number three: I support monica and cuiling and nigel and robin and pet all the way in their fight against *self censor*.

Number four: *self censor*

Number five: From what i see, the heart of the problem is not a chen nian tuan thing, but a family thing. So this problem cannot be solved simply by transplanting pple to another zhi tuan, cos, like it or not, the family will always be there... so, sadly, it's not so simple.

Number six: ANYTHING you guys need (supplies, advice, sai kang, services, or simply someone to talk to...) that is within my power to give, and that will help in any small way in this problem, JUST SAY and i will give. like i said, u guys have all my fullest support in the *self censor*, cos you guys mean the world to me.

I'm not claiming to understand the problem or that i know how to solve it... After all, i'm not from that zhi tuan. but i'm just saying that i will support in any way u need.

LEGION OF MARY ROCKS. ALL THE WAY.

i love Love Actually!!!!

2007-12-28T00:55:00.000+08:00

Boy do i love that show...

Haha i'm in camp and just finished watching it... and it never fails to entertain me.... the first few times i watched it, it really hit the spot...

You know, I'm not the kinda guy who likes watching movies once i've already watched them, but Love Actually is one of the few exceptions! I really really have a soft spot for Romance movies, so long as they're not to over-lovey and keep it real! Haha ok maybe some of them like the guy learning Portugese and the Brit who scores in America or the kid who chiongs thru the airport are a bit exxagerated... haha but who cares? it's really fun...

The kid and his concert and the Mariah Carey song, oh, that's one of my fav stories cos it's all so adorable, and how his Stepdad is so supportive of what most adults would view as childish crush... his determination to learn drums, is all so naive, so idealistic, so juvenile... let's not forget the one-liner "Well, we need Kate and we need Leo, and we need them now!"

And the rockstar is dam cool. "That the person I actually.... er... love... is.... you..." Or, the classic one-liner which he so elegantly uses to brush of the wierdness of male affection: "Now let's go get pissed and watch porn!"

But the best story of all, i think, is the one where the guy confesses to Keira Knightly. "To me, you are perfect."

Or, in the full version, which this hopeless romantic remembers, is :
''But I have to say, Without hope or agenda, Just because it's Chrismas-, (And on Christmas, you tell the Truth), To me, you are perfect. And my wasted heart will love you, Until you look like this." And he shows a placard of a shrivelled old woman... it's just so utterly sweet but sad...

And the Prime Minister is cool! If only our Prime Minister could dance like that...

I also really like the sad stories: the one where Professor Snape has an affair, and how his "cold English wife" deals with it. And the one about the girl with the schizo brother, cos it really shows the other, less glamourous, less romantic, albeit an equally beautiful, side of love.

Yes so, i cannot resist blogging about how much i love this show always gets to me. Ah, i'm a desperate hopeless romantic who imagines that one day, i can sweep a girl off her feet, the love of my life. one day...

and Christmas always makes you feel romantic. and i haven't quite got out of this festive mood yet...

oh well, cheers guys, and a happy new year ahead!

the wedding

2007-12-24T00:31:00.000+08:00

not American Pie, sorry.

but the eternal union of two great friends.

i dunno, somehow it seemed... erm... less romantic than i expected it to be?

maybe cos the romantic part was during the church ceremony, during which i was too freakin stressed to feel anything else.

but woohoo! broke my church playing virginity.

oh but the wedding video was really really great. anyone knows where to get it?

haha i liked the panadol part...

ya and the wedding dinner was freakin fun la! here are some pics!

haha ian and luke looked dam similar...

and the sunflowers and number things were from the clean up...

congrats again to robin and pet on your marriage... wishin u guys all the best....

merry christmas u all :D

a big thank you and merry christmas

2007-12-24T00:20:00.000+08:00

hey... this goes out to all the guys in LOM...

christmas is coming in 2 days and prob won't see u till after that, so just wanna say thanks for all the gifts and presents u have showered upon us...

i guess christmas is always a really stressful time and we feel the need to give others presents and all, and trust me, i've felt it too... haha but i'm not a really presents-ish kinda guy (call me stingy or bo chap or whatever, but ey, that's me!) so ya... i've decided not to hand out gifts from the start, so i won't change my mind cos that'lll just be doing it for the sake of doing it... haha... or maybe i'm just finding an excuse....

but really, thank you.

perhaps i don't show it, but i really do appreciate it. monica and clare for your cookies, alex for your t-shirt thingy, joycelyn for your snacks, jojo and chris for your sweets, mag for your candy canes, shermaine for your turtles, robin and pet for your squashy babies, and all the rest of u guys...

merry christmas u guys. love u all ;D

bad taste

2007-12-21T15:34:00.001+08:00

ok i think this ad is in pretty bad taste...

i saw it on a bus stop today...

erm they quote from the Bible a phrase that uses the word "eagles", just for the sake of making an eagle seem like a "Christmas Bird"... lol...

and they can't even be bothered to state the chapter and phrase of where they get it from...

i mean, it's bad enough that Christmas nowadays is SO BLOODY commercialised and manufactured, now they're using the Bible and totally unrelated phrases to further reinforce this weak parody of Christmas, in order to capitalise on the season for more sales... that's in bad taste man...

i mean, no offence to the bird park and all, the bird park is a nice place... but this ad isn't good... pls don't sue me :D

confession night

2007-12-19T23:06:00.000+08:00

hmm hmm hmm i went confession today... i penitential service at blessed sac...

why so far? well, got duty tmr, must return by tonight, camp is in the west, blah blah blah... so anw, long story short, i went to blessed sac for penitential today. and wow! the new building is up. last time i went there was for their 'fun day' in march... still had the old building and had to pee in the very horrible toilet... haha so congrats to that church for putting up a building so fast....

haha finally got down to my christmas shopping, which is just an excuse to get more clothes... if u look hard (which i did...) there're bargains everywhere! today i spent 1.5 hrs looking for jeans in JP. hmm.... finally found one that fit almost perfectly for.... drumroll please... $23.50!!! woohoo!

and and and and and.... on sunday i found this really really cool white shirt that looked EXACTLY like the one james bond wore in the casino royale movie (in the scene where he acted as a valet and crashed the idiot's car...) or maybe it only looked like it when I put it on... haha.... ccchhhheeeeeehhhhh bahhhhh.... shameless sia... anw it was.... $14 bucks! yay! but i won't reveal where i got that one, or it'll spoil the casino royale effect... haha!

and i finally got the new radiohead cd i've been eyeing... haha i just wanted it for 'high and dry', but i figured the cd would have some other great songs worth discovering too... hmmm so far, i like 'fake plastic trees' and '(nice song)' and the song that goes 'fade away...'

ok ok ok... soooooo.... i went to confession right, and i've began to feel real real guilty about saying all those bad words... yes i'm trying NOT to say bad words! think i can...? hmmm, only time will tell... oh, and i'll try not to badmouth other pple too! erm.... that seems haaaarrrddddd......

and i had a CS competition in my unit today.... HAHAHAHAHA it was dam hilarious cos i was so badddd.... i mean, all the bloody pple all look black what? so shoot also dunno who? so LLST i shoot my guys like a million times.... and they all said that the best sTrategy is to kill me first.... (they didn't la, just talking...)

haha and note to all future team mates,whatever you do, DON'T EVER ASK ME TO PLANT BOMB!!!! hiayoh.... there was this time when i had the bomb, we were all at the bomb site, all my guys pointing their guns to the door, guarding me, waiting for me to plant... and i run in circles around for 1 minute, feeling dam gabrah shouting "HOW TO PLANT? HOW TO PLANT? HOW TO PLANT?????!!!!!" or, "WHERE TO PLANT????!!!!" u know the way i shout when i'm nervous right?

in the end, all the bloody counter come in and headshot all of us then we lose. DAM TU LAN.

oh btw, for now, MY HANDPHONE CANNOT SEND OUT MESSAGES. so don't feel offended if u don't get your customary "kk" or "nites" or "ya thx" or "cya ard" or whatever s**t.
see? i'm making the effort to self-censor!

oh and robin and pet's wedding is in three days and i'm strangely not nervous even though it's my first time playing for church.... why?! i want to feel at least a little nervous... i should be feeling that.... oh well...

cheers u all!

my musings

2007-12-15T01:25:00.001+08:00

dear all who visit my blog. since the traffic is pretty high nnow, i would like to request that u visit my other blog. click my musings on the blog page. or, go to musingsandheart.blogspot.com. it would really really mean a lot to me if u guys read my art works... :D

it sucks to write stuff without having pple to read or appreciate them... u can tag the blog or leave comments.... pls visit! tks!!!

holy shit a freaking miracle happened today

2007-12-15T01:08:00.000+08:00

WOOHOO HAHA ALLELULIAH A FREAKING BIG MIRACLE HAPPENED LOL LOL LOL LOL LOL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I FREAKING PASSED MY IPPT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

MUAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!!

Yes darlings it is a VERY BIG THING for me. i had failed for 5 yrs, every since pull ups was uintroduced at sec 3. always ZERO.

then then then then then..... in JC 2, after much gym training, i managed to do one!!!!!!!!!!!!! that was the turning point.

exactly one yr ago, i could do 4.

by the end of BMT, i could pass with 7 pull ups.

by my broad jump fail like fuck.

at start of BMT, got 162. passing mark: 216. fuck shit man.

then by end of BMT, got 189. bloody platoon sgt chua make fun of me infront of the whole platoon. i'll never forget that.

so, becos that that cannot go command school, stuck in 8SAB as an M113 driver. but that's ok la. i got over that.

every day in bunk, i squat and squat and squat. and tuck jump and tuck jump and tuck jump. improver, deprove, improve, deprove. stuck at 189. henta kaki for 9 dam months. my mdm scold me "why cannot jump so simple", every one say "huh? fail jumping? so wasted..." every one say i cannot get corporal rank becos fail jump. dam wasted. i felt like shit. jumping was my waekness. my one weakness. the one reason i amounted to dam little in the army.

but now, to my utter utter surprise i PASSSSSSSSSSEDDDDDDD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! WOOHOO!!!!!!!!
on the eve of my one year anniversary of enlistment, i passed! Praise God.

now i remember

2007-12-13T20:44:00.001+08:00

haha ok ya after reading angela's blog, i now remember what this camp experiance was mostly like...

erm to put it simply i felt kinda like a superstar... i know this sounds arrogant and all, and i pray u guys will forgive me for saying this but... it was because being an ygz and all was kinda glamourous and all that hooha and everyone wished they were in your shoes... in a way la... then they shower u with love... tks guys for all your letters and cheers and smiles and hugs btw... but u seem too busy, too stressed, too focused to take it all in. such is the curse of my position, the position as games i/c, ironically, the very same position that i was a 'superstar' for. sometimes i found myself thinking "ya they all want this, but if they know what shit i'm gg thru, they'd rather stay a camper..." haha do high profile pple feel like this? ok. really, pls pls forgive me for sounding so arrogant and jaded. i'm just trying to express sth here.

sigh... i really pressured myself too much this time round... the camp just flew by, marked by the major kangle events... BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT..... That being said, it was all worth it. cos i found u guys. thru the thick veneers of work and stress in camp, the piercing light of love really shone thru and hit me. i know i'm closer to all u guys after this camp, esp the other ygz and my olps guys... as for my old friends, my ancient legion friends... angela, pet, robin, nigel... i rekindled something that was lost for a while, cos bmt sort of took me away from the outside world, what with me being emo about being away from home and all... it helped me find a passion and oomph once again...

and enough about me... seeing the love u guys pour out... in the letters, the blogs, the conference calls... love for each other, ove for Legion, love for God... really makes it a triumph for me, reminds me why i do this, makes camps something a little more than a do-it-for-the-sake-of-doing-it kinda thing. no.wait. a lot more. a lot lot more.

haha... i think the way i feel is sort of mirrored in those more lao jiao ygz. but let me tell u something. the 1st or 2nd time u become ygz is really a hell of an amazing unforgettable beutiful magical captivating experience. don't believe me, ask monica. i think she feels that way. but as a lao jiao... which i daresay i am, it feels... still really great but not as great as the first few times la... sadly. but every camp is different. every camp has something new. every camp has something special.

but one thing i always love... those really late nights when u have to keep urself awake by remaining high... and doing dam lame but hilarious things and laughing for no reason... and... shh... gossips. ok, lets face it. we all love to gossip. love it. we all love scandals. we all love laughing at pple...

haha...

life after jxy

2007-12-13T20:44:00.000+08:00

hey hey hey.... finally i have come out of the hole i crawled under... this is my first entry after jxy... haha it's really great to see so much jxy traffic flooding the Net. wow i'm really amazed at how much u guys really feel connected... especially Nigel... never thought he was capable of having such a strong connection to anything for that matter... well, we learn more abt pple everyday, even those we think we knew for a lfetime... :)

ya i think what nigel said on his blog is true... abt that 'post-jxy' sickness thing... haha i really have no idea why it happens, it just does... it just really connects u with the event, the memories, the pple... it's one of the strange mysteries we'll never fully understand...

sigh... it was kinda sad for me that i didn't really get a chance to get into the post-jxy frenzy, with all your blog entries and confrence calls etc... it's not that i don't care... hope u guys don't think that i'm too jaded. or that i don't care. cos i do. i do care.

it's just that... the moment jxy ended i was plunged back into the literal hustle back in camp... it was LAB inspection, and, trust me, the M113 has a million things to detect and remedy. it is a demanding creature. i spent hours working and returning to bunk throughly exhausted and now, the inspection is finally over (fyi, my M113 passed and my unit got an overall grade C... woohoo!... that is really a miracle) haha army pple are procrastinators... we leave everything to the last... so ya, now that it's over i can finally get back into the world of virtual frivolity...

sigh... but i guess now that i am writing again, i can't write with that much vigour or that much passion, cos the connection, ie 'post-jxy syndrome' is fast fading in me. yes. it happens. it is something that i am already accustomed to. life is sad. it's full of moments and pple u love so so much, moments u wanna last forever, feelings that u hope will never die that just fades away. slips away. an all u can do is stand by and watch. even memories fade with time. that's life. we accept it. we move on. we live.

haha nothing lasts forever. really. it's sad. but the only thing we can really depend on is God's love. the only thing that's constant. the only thing that's reliable. but we continue to treasure the pple, continue to tresure the moments, that He has given us. cos it's what He would want us to do. Cos it's beautiful. cos it will fade. cos we only have today.

carpe diem people, carpe diem.

anw, for all in jxy and who have shared this amazing amazing journey with me, i love you all.
i love u all.

Hey! Back up again...

2007-11-13T15:23:00.000+08:00

it's been like almost 6 months since i've been blogging... been collecting dust... 6 months seems like such a short time ago, but a lot has changed since then... oh well, NS is NS... And looking back, I haven't got much to say...

Today, I'll write about my recent clubbing experience. I don't club frequently, and I've only done so three times so far. First time was in BMT, that was ok but it ended at 3, and I spent most of the time exploring the place so I left feeling a little unaccomplished... The 2nd was the worst cos it was my friend's birthday but he spent the whole time trying to get those MIA pple to come down, so I was stuck with pple who I didn't really know. Finally he got drunk and pissed and got taken home, and I went home shortly after that...

But this time, it was really fun, first of all cos I encountered no smokers!!! Haha! It was mambo night and I really am a retro kind of person so all the songs were fun to sing along with... The pple standing on the platforms and dancing were, quite plainly, really really tacky and I wouldn't want to be seen doing that. But let's face it, without them, the party would be dead... After all, they made you feel ok about looking weird dancing... So yeah I would say that the most fun part was going down with all my friends, dancing like hell, and not giving a damn what others think... It's about letting go and really making an ass out of yourself... :D Then there's always the girl factor. It adds that extra thing that makes the whole night much more exciting... But to be honest, I always end up feeling guilty about it. Call me old fashioned, but a club is not a place I'd like to hook up. But it really wouldn't be complete without the girl factor.

Oh the past six months have been ok really... NS has its excitements here and there, but my biggest achievements were outside NS... August to October was a really busy period for me in terms of tutoring the EM3 kid... When his PSLE was over, it was a real relief for me... After that was the OM course in my own camp, and at the same time, now I'm busy with planning the Legion of Mary church camp... So all these things really help you achieve something and helps time pass by much much more quickly... Otherwise, I really wouldn't know how I'd cope. Plus, all these extra spontaneous events like clubbing and such add that extra bit of excitement to my life, so it's fun.

Speaking of extra events, a memorable one was All Saints' Day recently... I went to mass at St Francis of Assissi church on one of my nights' out... It was great. For some reaon, going to that church, by myself, so far away from home and family, really makes feel a sense of peace and a sense of God. I always love and look forward to going there. Which is wierd cos I go to church every sunday... Maybe it's the feeling of a gesture to be with God in the midst of the 'wilderness', that is, a place that is, to me, far from home and comfort.

more thoughts on "Wicked"

2007-06-08T23:38:00.000+08:00

ok. haha this isn't just thoughts, it's a essay. there're some spoilers here, so read only if u've already read the book... i mean, the story was good and it warrants sth like this... so here goes....

to me, i think this story is abt people, the people in Elphie's life, her relationships with them, how these relationships change, and how they ffect her character and her beliefs. It is also about belief, and identit, as seen in the symbolic changing of Elphaba's name along the way-- Elphaba, Elphie, Fabala, Fae, the Witch, and finally, The Wicked Witch of the West.

I think the two characters the Witch loved the most was Glinda and Fiyero. But both in different ways. Her friendship with Glinda is the classic one, which endures and grows in spite of strong differences in class, character, and outlooks in life. For this reason, it is charming, warm and sincere. The sincereity of the friendship is touching, as is the way it blossoms to the climax: Glinda pretends Elphie is her sister to save her a seat, but at this precise climax, it is tragically broken as their different destinies, and perhaps, different choices, tear them apart. This parting is to me, the sadest one on the book, surpassed only by the final meeting between Glinda and Elphaba, where Glinda reaches out beyond her pride to Elphie, but Elphie is too blinded by her own scars and hurt and losses to reciprocate it, to see what else life still holds for her.

Boq is the classic boy-form-childhood. Perhaps he represents a simpler Elphaba, the choice she has. He represents a choice, a choice she had forsaken. he choice to live a normal quiet life. The choice to leave behind the youthful naivete in trying to change the world, even though he was involved in this revolutionary actions in his past. In the end, both choices, both lifestyles, both destinies, both friends, accuse and criticise each other, but they also secretly desire the other life perhaps, desire the alternative? Boq is the question " What If?", He is the "Could-Have-Been".

Liir is the fruit of Elphie's and Fiyero's love affair. He is also a "perhaps"; He may not be their son. Being somewhere in between (like Nessie ws to Turtle Heart's memory), Liir is a symbol of Elphie's love, love lost, her capacity for love, her potential to love. Yet, he may not even be thier son, even so, he draws out Elphie's maternal affection, again being a symbol of the vestiges of love, even as the Wicked Witch. His foolishness and brashness towards the bigger things surrounding him which he cannot change, his cruch on Dorothy, his intense determination, is a delicate portrait of Elphie in her own youth.

Doctor Dillamond seems to be a living prophecy of Elphie's life. So focused, so intense, so devoted, so much potential, but a potential cut away from its realisation.

Nanny's life also seems to mirror Elphaba's: "always the bridesmaid, never the bride." Nany and Elphie share this similarity: a tragic, tired life, where everyone they care for is taken from them, and delusionment and denial towards the end of their lives.

St Aelphaba and the Kumbric Witch are both compared to Elphie. Good vs Evil. the personal conflict. The historical conflict. The fundamental conflict. Both steeped in mystery and myth.

I think the ultimate tragedy of this story is that of a life lost in vain. One of the saddest scenes was when Boq asked "We all belived in what we were doing. We all believed we were doing good. In the end, did it all do any good?", which can be extended to Elphie's whole life. She couldn't answer. "If nothing else, we helped Doctor Dillamond..." She tries hard to justify a life, a life that has seen so much pain and loss, and suffering. A life that has caused suffering in others, but for what? Driven by what? What used to seem clear seems clear no more. Even her "murder" of Madame Morrible is a manifestation of her life in vain, her failure, a result of the desire to feel that her life amounted to something, and to justify to others in the publicity sh tries to draw around it, sucj was her insecurity in her final days. But even the "murder" seemed to mirror her failure, seemed to be a mockery of her own life, as it was of Madame Morrible's. "For All That You Have Done." inscribed on the trophy/lethal weapon seems to be as much for Elphaba as it was for Madame Morrible.

Driven by what? An unfulfilled desire for equality, for justice, for revenge? The love and attention of a negligent father? Forgiveness? release? Or the opposite, belonging? (this paradox is highlighted in her relationship with Sarima.) Or perhaps Elphie needs to understand, understand her destiny, understand what she fears, because she fears what she does not know? Or perhaps the deire to belive, to belive in an Other Land, to believe in a soul, to belive in redemption, justice and forgiveness? To belive these thigs can still be out there (symbolised by the broom, her desire to soar)or in her (symbolised by the Glass, a mirror into destiny, into herself).

we are all innocent

2007-06-02T23:12:00.000+08:00

"i remember feeling low, i remember losing hope, i remember all the feelings and the day they stopped." --Innocent, Our Lady Peace.

that's a great song. yea man, we are all innocent. then maybe we become hardened along the way, become jaded, cynical, disillusioned, and most of all, tired. we learn to fuck care the world. we become tired.

where's that kid that used to romance every moment of friendship, or fantasise about being a jedi or rescuing the girl of his dreams? where's the kid who would love the magic of the moment, and treasure memories and its trinkets more than gold? where's the teen, the rebel, the angry fiery revolutionary? where's the crazy guy who didn't care wht people thought about him, who would scream, dress up in outrageous costumes, put on a drag show, sing karoke and just... go crazy cos it's fun? where did my innocence go?

maybe it's still there. like in legion camp over the past few days, revived a little of that in me... (can read the entry below for more...)

on a related note, i'm almost finished reading the book "Wicked". it's the story of the life of the Wicked Witch of the West, from the Wizard of Oz story.... it's seriously real darn good. it's a page turner, and creates a highly imaginative fantasy world that captures the cruelty of human nature. most importantly of all, you'll really grow to fall in love with the main character, Elphaba, or Elphie for short. Her character is so tenderly and sensitively portrayed, she almost becomes real, making the tragedy of her life even sharper. Her character is passionate, absorbed, fiery, and has so much capacity for love. But somehow, every one she learns to love gets hurt along the way and she descends into a broken, tired, reluctant Witch.

it's a terribly tragic story... and tells you nothing lasts forever... Yes, Elphie's world was a cruel one and some of her friends got killed.... but in our world people drift apart. we grow up. we change. we become too good for each other.

and yes... makes you think... everyone has a story, even the most evil or cruel looking person. they are created by circumstance... or do they choose to do evil? or is it predetermined by history? do we really have choice or is it the illusion of choice? are we mere puppets to a chain of causes-and-effects, dating back back back?

anw... "Wicked" is a really great novel, one of the best I've ever read...

and we are all innocent.

legion Roxxxxx!

2007-06-02T22:35:00.000+08:00

haha. i had to do it. this post. yea man, Legion of Mary rocks! haha maybe it sounds like another one of those propoganda sermons i rant to potential recruits for legion... but i dunno... something inside me makes me feel really good about it now.

i've never felt this way for a long time. it's this feeling that moves in your heart. and u only feel it after camp ends. sometimes it's between your heart and your throat, sometimes it's between your heart and your stomach... (haha no wonder pple have attributed the circulatory pump to emotions, when it's actually the amygdala and higher cognitive brain centres that control emotions... but i'm digressing here...)

yea, i've never felt like this for a long time... i'm actually missing camp... haha i thought i was beyond this... it feels a bit sad, but very happy too... cos maybe it means i've revived something i personally lost in legion... a deeper sense of belonging... i dunno, maybe it's cos this time round, i really had time to kick back, relax, and be somewhere between camper and ygz... allowing me time to really talk cock, sing song and have fun, instead of being buried in... (what's the word?...) operational worries...

takes me back to those camps when i was a youg impressionable boy, treasuring every letter i got, treasuring every autograph, treasuring every arm around my shoulder... and feeling intensely sad when the camp ended cos i didn't know when i could see my new freinds again... or takes me back to my early ygz days... where i transformed from quiet introvert to crazy and stupid attention-seeker... where we would spend hours, dazed, during da zhu hui, laughing for no reason... those days were pure magic. i didn't want it to end. ever. i wanted it to last forever. the magic. the innocence.

well, you grow old, you grow jaded, and you sigh, thinking those days are beyond you... maybe you're happy seeing the younger kids have so much fun, the kind of fun you used to have, the kind of magic you used to have, because you see yourself in them... a bittersweet longing... kids bring out the kid we used to be. happy. but maybe the one thing i learnt in this camp, was that... it's not over. we still have something here. it's small, it's rare, but it's there. and it's beautiful. and it's worth fighting for.

anw, Legion Rocks!!!!

"if i had a choice now, can i stop the world revolving, holding on to the times that mean the most to me."

imagine

2007-05-19T00:57:00.000+08:00

yes. imagine. one of the lost arts of our age. do it, and open a world of magic. perhaps find that child you once were.

fyi, The Little Prince is such a great book. Yes, its a kids book, and if u're thinking that bcos of that, i shld not read it, the it's exactly why u shld read it!!! bcos "grown-ups are really strange people." and we are always "concerned with matters of consequence".

anw, more updates on the book coming up!!! but this entry is abt my castle. yes, MY castle.

it rests upon a mountainous region, surrounded with trees as far as the eye can see, my kingdom. it is a tall imposing building, as castles should be. it has a glorious wide entrance, but also a small secret one, through a small door and up tall winding stairs. it is a mystery, as one floor would seem like two.

the view is beautiful from the top floor, my private lair. 'Tis a Great Hall, magnificent and kingly, fit for a great ruler such as myself. Looking out the many balconies give splendid views, each one not quite the same as the other. On sunny days, the sun dances with the trees, hiding herself coyly among a veil of clouds, playing, teasing. On rainy days, a dreamy mist is cast over the lands of my kingdom, and cool winds from the ends of the earth caress my face, enveloping my spirit in a peaceful enchantment. Oh, how well my Sorcerors and Architects and Alchemists have built this strange and glorious castle.

but the most magnificent and wonderful and strange of all are the Grand Stables, which hold creatures never before seen my any other mortal man. They lie in ranks, sleeping giants, great and gentle beasts. Each is different, each has the strangth of ten elephants, and breathe deadly fire. As they snore, black smoke rises from their huge nostrils, as none can escape their thick iron scales. And when they wake, they give a roar so frightful to men who do not know them, but familiar to me, their master and king. They truly are magical beasts, my pride and joy.

wanna see my castle? step 1, read The Little Prince, step 2, find out where I work (a king must have secrets, he is a king after all!) step 3: visit where i work. (ok, for those of u who read the book, i must seem v much like the king on the planet who likes to think he rules thigs which he doesn't... but then u're not getting the point!)

good night, my royal subjects.

well, don't i look queer?

2007-05-06T00:37:00.000+08:00

ok. i know what u're thinking. shove it. queer in this case means weird. full stop. (i refuse to say "period"...)

so imagine what weird series of events would lead to this. a shaven boy with thick black specs, sweating into his formal long sleeved blue shirt, long black pants, with New Balance running shoes, carrying a huge backpack, with a big green SAF waterbottle sticking out, and carrying an umbrella like a walking stick, running alone down a dark empty street in an army camp in the middle of the night. yup, that's me, Geek de la Nerd Extraordinare.

can't imagine?

Well, i went for an interview earlier in the morning, so i wore formal clothes. i forgot to bring a foldable umbrella, it was raining, so i took a big umbrella from Dad's car (he sent me there). Then i went straight to camp, with my portfolio in a big blue suitcase.

When I booked out, I packed a lot of stuff and my smelly Number 4, and figured i would get thirsty, hence the bloated bag with the big green bottle. the formal black shoes was too uncomfortable to walk the long distance, so i wore sports shoes, and packed the black shoes, futher excerberating the already precariously bulging backpack. Then, adorned with my umbrella, my big blue file, and my sean connery look, topped up with sports shoes, i said to my friends, "well, don't i look queer?"

then after the helluva long journey to CCK MRT station, i stomped clumsily out of the bus, improving my gait with my lovely walking stick of an umbrella. and thought to myself, "don't i look queer?" then realised my full battle order was missing one component, my big blue file. my protfolio. O level results, A level results, testimonials, and every single award i've ever accomplished in my whole life.

i think u can imagine what followed. panic, hair pulling, feet stomping, swear words, a very fast taxiride, and the scene i described in the 2nd paragraph.

taddah! i managed to pull it off. ain't i good?

i am a blur shit, aren't i?

well, after a night of running, sweating and adrenaline-pumping adventures (not the types that involve whips, lions, huge rolling boulders, and Nazis, but adventures nonetheless...) , i finally lumbered home, luke opened the door, and i said, "well, don't i look queer?"

hey, but God helped me thru that ok...

what i miss about bmt

2007-04-14T10:47:00.000+08:00

"it's sad how

treasured memories

slip away

slowly

ever so slowly

like a lover you want to hold

fading."

like it, or hate it. bmt was a bittersweet experience. like it or hate it, it's gone. but we can hold on to what little of it we have left.

"a writing,

an attempt to preserve

the unpreservable

tenderly"

lol... i'm feeling so nostalgic today...

i think actually the 24 klik was one of the best experiences in bmt. when we were approaching the finish, we were so ecstatic, so high. our singing changed from a tired, worn out song, to the loudest and most garang we could ever sing; we felt like we could conquer the world. and when we touched down on that finish point, we felt like we did. then, all the memories of all the route marches we had done in bmt came flooding back. we immediately recall the first 3 klik march, and how we wondered at how we caould complete such a gargantuous task. and we did. and it felt great.in our hearts, everything came full circle, and it was all worth it. we did it together. all of us.

another experience was coming back to the bunk after physical activities. tired, sweaty, wasted, we would sit at the table of section 2, slumped. chunkiat, mus, and herry would rush to the toilet, their towels hanging on to dear life around their waists. and the rest of who weren't so concerned with hygiene would sit at the table, talking cock, and simply enjoy the "shack but shiok feeling", as lt hakim put it.

the sit test was really cool. the best part were the nights. we would cook using a small fire, and later, talk cock over a single candle, conveying our hopes, dreams and secrets. we would laugh and enjoy life in a stiny and wet number 4. and of course, cling on to our wives for dear life, lest lt aaron pops out of nowhere (and he's legendary for this, ask daniel...) and stuns her, burning our precious bookout time.

strangely, i also miss marching back after meals, in our little groups, singing those lame army songs with our own modifications to them....

ah well... remember but don't dwell...

"remember me this way."

back again

2007-03-02T00:12:00.000+08:00

it's almost time for POP. "POP loh!!!!" and it feels like an eternity that i haven't made a blog entry. wow i'm writing again. to use vocabulary and string them together in a gramatically correct sentence. i'm losing it. as i said, SAF screws up your vocabulary. they take out elegant words, conjectures, and expressions, replacing them with "fuck", and the variant forms of this highly versatile little four-letter word.

so how's BMT u may ask? well... don't feel like discussing it. but i guess i'm compelled to, owing that it defines and predominates the past 11 weeks of my measly existence. in BMT, i'm a blur cock. yup. it's a persona. if u do something long and frequent enough, people expect you to do it. you're reduced to a series of expectations, characteristics and cliches. till it becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy. but i have only myself to blame.

ok la it's actually quite fun. field camps create lasting memories of endearing powder baths (and the charming ease-spring and check clear) and heartfelt talk cock sessions under the moon and starlight. IPPT is always a pain, and i cna't jump for fuck. 185cm. it's 216 to pass. i hate arti, sniper, and casevec drills. but then again, who doesn't? i actually find route marches quite fun. why? cos we get to sing whatever we want. it's a chance for my pathetic exhibitionistic self to get some of my bathroom singing out for human ears to cringe upon. it gives me a kick. and sometimes my platoon mates sing along as well. hah.

but i have something to prove. that the SAF does not define me. i will not talk only about that. tho sometimes it seems the thing easiest to talk about. but i have a life outside SAF ok... owever miniscule it may be. even things as simple as writing this blog gives me a precious opportunity to whip out and wipe the dust of my much unused stash of vocab. so yeah. i will not be doninated by the army. i will not lose myself.

sceptical? well i read. been reading roald dahl short stories. switch bitch is a cool book. it's all about sex. it's dark and funny. uncle oswald is really cool. the triumph of roald dahl is his sublime ability to paint a vivid picture of a highly unique, gripping and unexpected character. Mr Botibol, Georgy Porgy, Uncle Oswald are one of the more memorable ones. i also read... graphic novels! no i'm not gonna talk about V for Vendetta any more. It's sandman this time. i borrowed fables and reflections. I thought the most meaningful story is "three septembers and a january". i was really touched when i read the ending. it's about knowing who you are, being true to who you are, character, and integrity. sounds like a bore? read it first, then judge.

tmr is 'A' level results.... it's the last moment in bargo, in limbo, in the state of being both alive and dead (i make reference to Schrodinger's Cat). tmr, the uncertainty will be resolved, the tossed coin will land, the fate cast in stone. ok, that's enough analogies.

ok. wish me luck. i'll pray. of course. for A level as well as IPPT.

2006-12-05T21:02:00.000+08:00

if i had a choice now, can i stop the world revolving,
holding on to the times that mean the most to me?

2006-10-11T21:37:00.000+08:00

ok i changed format again.

i'm really experimenting here.

I like this one much better, but how to get rid of the heart thing?

hmm...

new format

2006-10-06T22:45:00.000+08:00

ok so here's the new format. i got it from blogskins.com... it was the nicest one i could find so far... the creater's name is there... and somehow, the titles for my entries don't appear... oh well...

anw, now i'm really really just so busy and so dam tired everyday...

hope u guys like the format... i've always loved the city at night... it's enchanting.

ok now i know

2006-10-06T21:45:00.000+08:00

haha now i know why nobody leaves comments... my settings were for registered users only! haha how stupid was that... well everyone, that's changed. now u can comment as u like.

ok, i also just found out that there's a website that gives u good blog formats instead of the boring old samples listed on blogger! hah! i'm gonna check it out.

see how tech dumb i am. so everyone pls help me. if my blog is getting too boring then, it's probably bcos i don't know how to make it more exciting...

ok i'm back again

2006-09-26T10:01:00.000+08:00

hmm... it seems nobody is really reading this blog... is it bcos i never updated much recently, or cos the layout is too boring...? i realise having a plain white layout really bores the pants off everyone... not my fault that i'm shitty at technology... ok, i'll do sth abt it i guess.... or issit a lot of pple read it, but don't wanna comment? hmm... if u read this blog and want more, just comment la... it won't hurt, man...

been real busy with my prelims all the way until today... that's it for now... see if i can change my blog layout, ok?

The Bridesmaid

2006-09-02T22:20:00.000+08:00

ok all u poor souls who are reading this... here's my attempt at writing a song.... well, i just wrote the lyrics, but it's structured in the style of a song i guess... anyone wanna write a tune for it? ok so here goes....

The Bridesmaid

The Bridesmaid
She looked real pretty in that dress
Of onion soup and cream caress
The pearls that shine in the orient
The love of swines in rooms for rent.

Yeah this girl
She wanted one of you.
Oh yeah this girl,
She wanted,
She waited,
She died.

The dark man,
Who walks in shadows of street lights
Of bright blue sounds and kangaroo fights.
His eyes spell hope of abandonment,
The breath of plastic fifty cents.

Yeah this man
He wanted one of you.
Oh yeah this man,
He wanted,
He waited,
He died.

The queer boy.
He loved cookies, cakes and clefts
A million kisses, right of left?
Kissing boys in gthe days gone by
When Peter Pan, he still could fly.

Yeah this boy,
He wanted one of you.
Oh yeah this boy,
He wanted,
He waited,
He died.

Oh yeah,
They all wanted one of you.
Oh yeah,
They all wanted you.
A part of you.
A part of you.

Love your neighbour as yourself.
Drink Coke in cans that can eat with chopsticks.
Don't ask what your country can do for you, ask what you can do for your country.
Turtles' eggs are found in sand.
Piano keys are white and black.
You will reap what you sow.
The camel's hump don't like Jazz.
The tortoise wins the hare if the hare sleeps.
Flowers swirl and time tastes like coffee.
So who is faster?
The one who wishes on the star.

Yeah this girl,
She wanted one of you.
Oh yeah this girl
She wanted,
She waited,
She died.

And the bridesmaid smiles.

ok ladies and gentlemen, that is my song. pls tell me what you think of it... all u have to do is click on the button below that says "comment". thank you very much. have a lovely life.

Valerie

2006-08-18T23:35:00.000+08:00

This is from V for Vendetta. Evey gets it while she's in prison being tortured.

I don't know who you are. Please believe. There is no way I can convince you that this is not one of their tricks. But I don't care. I am me, and I don't know who you are, but I love you.
I have a pencil. A little one they did not find. I am a woman. I hid it inside me. Perhaps I won't be able to write again, so this is a long letter about my life. It is the only autobiography I have ever written and oh God I'm writing it on toilet paper.

I was born in Nottingham in 1957, and it rained a lot. I passed my eleven plus and went to girl's Grammar. I wanted to be an actress.

I met my first girlfriend at school. Her name was Sara. She was fourteen and I was fifteen but we were both in Miss. Watson's class. Her wrists. Her wrists were beautiful. I sat in biology class, staring at the picket rabbit foetus in its jar, listening while Mr. Hird said it was an adolescent phase that people outgrew. Sara did. I didn't.

In 1976 I stopped pretending and took a girl called Christine home to meet my parents. A week later I enrolled at drama college. My mother said I broke her heart.

But it was my integrity that was important. Is that so selfish? It sells for so little, but it's all we have left in this place. It is the very last inch of us. But within that inch we are free.

London. I was happy in London. In 1981 I played Dandini in Cinderella. My first rep work. The world was strange and rustling and busy, with invisible crowds behind the hot lights and all that breathless glamour. It was exciting and it was lonely. At nights I'd go to the Crew-Ins or one of the other clubs. But I was stand-offish and didn't mix easily. I saw a lot of the scene, but I never felt comfortable there. So many of them just wanted to be gay. It was their life, their ambition. And I wanted more than that.

Work improved. I got small film roles, then bigger ones. In 1986 I starred in "The Salt Flats." It pulled in the awards but not the crowds. I met Ruth while working on that. We loved each other. We lived together and on Valentine's Day she sent me roses and oh God, we had so much. Those were the best three years of my life.

In 1988 there was the war, and after that there were no more roses. Not for anybody.
In 1992 they started rounding up the gays. They took Ruth while she was out looking for food. Why are they so frightened of us? They burned her with cigarette ends and made her give them my name. She signed a statement saying I'd seduced her. I didn't blame her. God, I loved her. I didn't blame her.

But she did. She killed herself in her cell. She couldn't live with betraying me, with giving up that last inch. Oh Ruth. . . .

They came for me. They told me that all of my films would be burned. They shaved off my hair and held my head down a toilet bowl and told jokes about lesbians. They brought me here and gave me drugs. I can't feel my tongue anymore. I can't speak.

The other gay women here, Rita, died two weeks ago. I imagine I'll die quite soon. It's strange that my life should end in such a terrible place, but for three years I had roses and I apologized to nobody.

I shall die here. Every last inch of me shall perish. Except one.

An inch. It's small and it's fragile and it's the only thing in the world worth having. We must never lose it, or sell it, or give it away. We must never let them take it from us.

I don't know who you are. Or whether you're a man or a woman. I may never see you or cry with you or get drunk with you. But I love you. I hope that you escape this place. I hope that the world turns and that things get better, and that one day people have roses again. I wish I could kiss you.

Valerie
X

my life so far

2006-08-18T22:03:00.000+08:00

hey today i met cassandra... this primary school classmate i never saw for ages... think the last time i saw her it was sec2 i think... so yea it was really cool cos i walked into this classroom and my class was there then she was there mugging with them wearing the vj tee so i was like... eh... is that...? so i don't wanna ask cos usually these kind of situations it's just someone who looks really like the actual person but is not the actual person and u go "eh r u cassandra?" and she goes "who?" but this time it was the real person and she knew junkiat so she decided to mug with my class in the classroom... and guess what? despite my initial inhibitions, i still succeeded in looking like an idiot cos the first question i asked was "eh... what u doing here?" so it was like i was so defensive and looked like someone whose husband just came back from a night full of drinking... (btw this metaphor implies i'm an angry old wife, not myself, cos i don't see myself having husbands anytime in the near future thank u very much) so yea i upheld the jumpoverthewall legacy of never failing to look stupid... haha but that's really ok...

yes i know i've devoted an entire paragraph to a boring event like meeting an old friend but u know, sadly, now that we're all in mugging mode, that's really one of the more exctiting events in my life these days... oh i helped paint a banner for mr beetsma yesterday... it was really all sheeyin and clara's work, i just helped put in a few colours. and i realised shiling is really skilled at toning with multicolours, and sherli too. (yes i know this phrasing implies shiling uses sherli to tone but i don't care) so ya that was the highlight of yesterday... but it was really kind of fun watching sheeyin and clara get every single finger of them a different colour and not care abt the toxic stuff and all... actually i think its not toxic.... ok i know some of u pple will be thinking i'm some kind of special breed of gentleman who lets girls get their hands dirty but keep mine clean... yea well... haha... tough... ok i have an excuse:

ok i don't have an excuse. i just didn't want to get my hands dirty yesterday. and besides i'll have two whole years to get my hands dirty while theirs' are clean.

oh and the piece de resistance (please do not read this as it is, its french; i just dunno how to put in the strokes on top of the words... *_*) so as i was saying, the piece de resistance of my week was my visit to the library book sale. u know, the newspaper said come 1.5 hours early. so i thought: yea, eat ur shit la straits times... s'poreans are not that book loving.... i hate it when the s'pore media blow stuff out of proprotion to try and make s'poreans look like what they're not...

but this time, omg the starits times was right, man! s'poreans impressed me with their enthusiasm for literature and the great works of Mankind. the line was extemely long. it took me 1/2 an hour to get in. pple camped there i think. and i was lining up next to some delightful pple. in front of me was this really weird ang mo guy discussing with an indian guy abt america, when he's clearly not american. and behind me was these 2 guys discussing how to plot a graph of how many pple come aginst dunno what. and then they discussed the probability of a person leaving the line... and how that is inversely related to the opportunity cost of leaving the line... haha u know what the worst part is? i can actually remember what they said... and i'll probably end up like that in the near future if i don't fight gravity. so ok, i finally manage to get in the booksale and find that all the books are going for 2 dollars each. sweet! so i rush to the crowd.... there was practically no spae to walk or breathe... pple were constantly moving and pushing and u had to keep moving. pple were just chucking like 50 books into their plastic bags, baskets and trolleys. (yes, trolleys, so strategically brought from home, relieved of their menial duties of carrying busloads of groceries to and from the market, and ennobled with the sacred task of being graced by the pages upon pages of literature for the great duty of enriching singaporeans' minds) so yeah they just whack and pile their modes of transportation with books galore (like abt 50 per person) and take them to one corner and sift thru them one by one to decide on what they wanna buy. so i tries to take the moral high ground and tell myself i'm better than them. that i have more finesse, more class, but guess what? lemme give u a quote from alice in wonderland.

"but i don't want to be mad." said alice.
"we're all mad here, i'm mad, he's mad, you're mad." said the mad hatter.
"but how do u know i'm mad?"said alice to the mad hatter.
"of course you're mad,"replied the mad hatter, "otherwise, you wouldn't be here."

ya so first i want to say one thing. looking at this, i think lewis carroll is really twisted. he's probably a psycho or close to being a psycho. i mean if he were not mad, he wouldn't write abt this right? so ya i guess i'm as singaporean as all the rest of my beloved countrymen. so if u can't beat them, join them. i thus began my frantic hunt for good literature admist the widerness of outdated programing books and teen books like "boywatching" and "sweet valley university". by the way, i'm thinking of applying to sweet valley university. it'll be killer on my resume (ladies and gentlemen, this is french, too). and i joined the hunters in their ingenious hunting methods. after all, if i weren't mad, i wouldn't have ended up in a place that sells reject books that nobody wants to borrow any more. so after an hour or two i returned to the checkout counter, my prize (8 books) brandished proudly in my hands, a young hunter back with with his first kill. i joined the greats, the true shopping veterans, the hardcore lovers of good literature, the heroes our country needs. i join them, humbled as my 8 measley books trembled beneath the shadow of their hundreds of books, laden in half-bursting plastic bags, spilling from bright red trolleys that were once the lowly transporters in sheng siong supermarket, the spoils of glorious war, the ruins of an exhibition room raped and ravaged. i stood humbled at the piles upon piles of literature that was going to enrich the minds of the hunters, bcos i'm sure that the moment they get home, every single one of these heros are going to read every single page of what they bought so cleverly with so little money. btw, i haven't started on any of those 8 books i've bought yet. i feel so ashamed.

yup so that's my life so far. sounds exciting right?

i'm back.

2006-08-11T23:47:00.000+08:00

hey i haven't blogged for ages... been real busy but tonight, i'm back! u know, i really don't have much to write about since my life this past few days have been all about mugging la basically. let's see... i bought this really cool book, the Books Of Magic, by Neil Gaiman. It's about this guy called Timothy Hunter, and it's kind of like Harry Potter but only a million times better cos it's darker and more mature.

ok National Day celebrations were really bad. i know i shouldn't be criticising the poor hardworking pple in vj who made everything come together, but it was seriously bad. i tell u, if i see another singapore idol spoof i'll literally shit myself. making spoofs of american idol was really a thing we do like 2 years ago, and to do it now is really old and lame and a hopeless excuse for humor.

ooh but u know what's funny? check out this video on you tube called "borat", check out the one that lasts 24 minutes. really hilarious.

ok haha i'm now chatting with this guy online and he asks me if i'm chinese, cos my name is ortega. so i say no i'm filipino. and guess what he says? he says "my maid is also filipino." ok there are so many things wrong with that,cos he said it like "wow! that's such a big coincidence!" like a filipino maid in singapore is so rare, that i'd be shocked to find one. some pple are just so funny.

ok that's it. really nothing much now la.

The incredible lightness of Being

2006-07-22T22:38:00.000+08:00

erm... this is the name of a book... it's about some love triangle thing... but it's supposed to be much deeper... it's supposed to be about existentialism and stuff like that, and after reading it, u're supposed to feel the lightness of being; the crushing weight of a light existence.

ya basically that's how i feel right now. light. not physically. haha... i wish ah... not the kind of lightness associated with freedom and flying like a bird, but a lightness of being.

today was a pretty ok day. muah. but i really dunno how i feel. i mean i feel something but i dunno what it is....

i know i shld be angry, cos some things pissed me off today, but i'm not quite angry. i shld be happy cos i had what, logically is a great day, haha but logic isn't heart.

or maybe i'm running away. wait, i know i'm runing away. i'm running away from sth, but i dunno what's chasing me. i'm hiding from sth, but what?

i think it's fear. fear drives me. i always say love drives me. but has it been overtaken by fear masquerading as love? is fear of losing love an illusion for love?

then my memories seem distant. not that i can't remember them, but that i can't connect with the Mark in my memories. memories i used to hold dear seem insignificant.

i'm searching, but is searching actally fear? what do i fear? what am i running from? why do i feel everything but nothing? am i refusing to feel? do i fear my feelings?

i wanna say i don't give a shit about fuck. but truth is, we all need to give a shit about something. but what? all my life, i've given shit to different things, but never two things at the same time. i devote my life to different ideals at different times. but ideals fail me. they fail me miserably.

songs that used to sing to me don't. songs that didn't use to, do. but it scares me. it scares me that songs that used to make no sense to me suddenly do. so i don't lose myself in the song. songs are powerful powerful weapons. i'm afraid i'll get lost.

so now i'm trying to feel, but can't feel. trying to think, but can't think. trying to turn to the things that used to define me, but can't be bothered. find them trivial. trying to turn to those i love, but doubting how much i actually love them, fearing some other motive, some other sinister motive.

i found myself stark naked in the toilet, about to bathe, looking at the ceiling, as if looking for clues in the wall. trying to sing in the shower, as if still looking for myself in the song. trying to feel, but afraid. afraid to take that step into an endless world.

the world is full of illusions. i feel like an illusion. i feel the lightness of being. feeling, logic, ideal, and memory: are they what make us?

everything is flux.

I have photographic evidence of students who don't see themselves as students but as sex symbols

2006-07-20T22:42:00.000+08:00

eh, hello, uncle. how u doing today?

i'm not happy thank u very much. u r the principal of that school?

yes. and we're always so very proud of all our lovely students.

u know, i have a complain to make. i've caught your students wearing the uniform with the skirt too short.

well, u know our students... always so charming and sometimes annoying. they'll always be so funky, cos that's what makes our school.

oh really? i have photographic evidence. and i have sent it to your precious Minister. and i told him that your school is not teaching them proper moral values. they don't see themsleves as students, but as sex symbols.

WHAT?!!! ok. u know, now i feel our light-handed methods don't work. we must adopt a more heavy-handed approach. i totally feel that we have had the wrong philosophy. i mean, what kind of shitty school policy can allow our students to send the wrong message to my good friend the minister?

hmm. now u get it.

u know what mister? can i see the photos for myself?

sure. i've kept the original copies with me. come into my house.

ok thanks. eh, u live by yourself ah? this place is pretty cramped.

ya what to do? no woman wants me. sometimes it gets pretty lonely.

so where are the photos?

oh right over there. they're on my bed.

those under the lubricating lotion is it?

ya ya. those.

ohhhh wow. from where did u take these? how did u get such high resolution.

oh. let me show u my camera. it's the state-of-the-art with zooming telescoping lens. can see anything from the comfort of my room.

anything?

yes, anything.

hmmm... ya ya, i agree. all these girls skirts are way too short. i'm so sorry u had to see our girls like this. but there's a problem. how can i punish these girls if u never take their face, only take their legs?

oh don't worry. i'll personally come to your school and identify them. i'll do anything so that our schools will be filled with girls who dress decently, even if i have to deal with them personally, in my own special way.

oh, u can't count this one. she's not wearing school uniform. i mean, ya of course she shows a bit more skin than others-- she's bathing what...

ok la ok la. i'll just keep that one for myself. but the rest are incriminating evidence!

ok i'm sooo sorry ah, mister. when it comes to my schools reputation, i won't let anything stand in the way. u're welcome to take pictures anytime from now on bcos i'll address this problem by tmr. ok i gotta go now. i'll just help u throw away these old bottles of lubricating lotion on my way out...

ok thx, principal. oh, while u're at it, can u help me plug in that vibrating device? oh ya... gimme back my pictures. they're not for u to keep. i've cced the email i sent to the Minister to u already so u have a copy.

ok, here u go. bye.

bye.

I feel so dam narcissistic....

2006-07-11T23:37:00.000+08:00

ok, it's ironic. i have to become everything i hate. u know, for our A level cert, we have to write about our top 2 achievements, and blow it out of proportion. haha, here's the crap i wrote:

"International Science School

Mark had successfully competed against hundreds of students to clinch a place in the prestigious fully MOE-sponsored international science attachment. He represented Singapore in a two-week International Science School (ISS) held in Sydney in July 2005. The ISS had participants from 9 different countries and has seen numerous eminent professors and lecturers contributing to the highly enriching event. Throughout the event, Mark made many international friends, pursued his interest in science, broadened his world-view and gained invaluable exposure.

Physics Olympiad

Mark was truly challenged in his participating in the Physics Olympiad. Having to master the entire Physics syllabus was a daunting task, but Mark rose to the occasion. In doing so, he demonstrated a great capability for independent learning as well as a strong determination driven by his great passion for Physics and related fields. For his efforts, he represented the College and clinched a Bronze medal in the Singapore Physics Olympiad. This outstanding result won him a place in the training team for the International Physics Olympiad, and he continued to work hard for during his months of intensive training. Although Mark did not eventually manage to qualify for the final team, those months of training alongside the elite Physics team has benefited him very much."

ok. so i've perfected the skill of making something out of nothing. let's try more. here r my other top achievements (well, at least in my imagination).

Member of 369 gang

Mark has demonstrated top leaderhip potential as a charismatic member of the 369 gang. He has planned many gang fights and drawn much graffitti, contributing to the creative atmosphere in the nieghbourhood. He has also said a record of 579 "fucks", 367 "cheebye" and 75 "KKNBCCB", demonstrating his great passion for the gang and its illustrious use of foul language.

Cleaning the toilet seat

Befor shitting in a public toilet, Mark never fails to take a piece of toilet paper and wipe the seat. This has demonstrated his immense capacity for cleaniness, and his undying concern for the environment. He shows great potential in being a future Minister of the Environment, because of his passion for shit and it's related fields. For his efforts, he was awarded with a prestigous clean ass.

Drinking Coffee

Mark strives to do the best in everything he pursues. Today, he drank a cup of coffee. Not only did he drink it, he also sipped it slowly and savoured the aroma, even though it was just 3-in-1 coffee. He displays a passion unseen in so many promising young candidates and coffee drinkers, and will go far in pursuing his coffee-related dreams. This heroic, awe-inspinring and tear-jearking epic saga of how a man is faced with a daunting cup of coffee, drinks it, and overcomes the insurmountable adversity of drinking coffee, is the stuff of legends. Mark's lifetime goal is to drink a can of Red Bull before he turns 30.

haha. maybe i should put those as my top 3 achievements instead...

kiss my prestigous clean ass.

should guys make spring sounds?

2006-07-11T23:24:00.000+08:00

let's talk about "diao". 1st, how should u spell diao? let's take a vote:

1. diao
2. thenao
3. deeow
4. deown

lemme know guys... for now, i'll stick to option 1, diao.

2nd: what is the definition of diao?

Diao dee-hown

a springy sound, usually used to express a feeling of lameness at a lame or obvious comment, or an anticlaimax. used in a similar context as "..." or dots, or dotz.

3rd, usage:
1. "Why did the chicken cross the road? So that it could cross the road."
"diao."

2. "Eh, u mean Italy won World Cup ah?"
"diao."

3. "Eh u know today the lecturer was dam boring, and the lecture very diao one."

4th, is it just a girl thing? cos i hear a many girls use it, but very rare for guys. ok. let's take another vote. Can guys say "diao"? Or r girls the only one obssesed with springs?

5th, what is it's origin? I think ah, it has a similar origin to "wah wah wah". Again, spelling is a problem. u know, when japanese anime guys look like this: -.- and a giant tear comes out of their eye? and then it goes "wah wah wah"...? So i think diao has a similar origin.

Leave ur comments to this entry, i wanna know what u guys think about diao...

kiss my ass.

diao.

On Religion

2006-07-07T21:21:00.000+08:00

ok time to be serious again. nowadays nobody just asks u what's ur religion. They ask, then I say "I'm a Catholic." then the next question comes, "are u a strict Catholic?" So I say, "what's a strict Catholic?" The usual criteria come out: take Mass seriously, don't say bad words, don't use God's name in vain, etc. Well, thing is, by that criteria, I don't think I'm a strict Catholic. So then I'm just a Catholic in name? Well, to some pple, in this world, there r only 2 types of Christians, those that r only Sunday Christians, and those that r exteremely pious, religious and Holy. What happened to the in between?

Ok, so we say, yes, the Bible, is Holy and perfect, and we should not have the right to pick and choose what we want to follow and what we don't really feel like following. From this POV, there can only be 2 types of Christians. But, u see, the problem here is we then become unquestioning followers of the faith. And personally, I don't think this is very good.

U see, to follow the Bible perfectly, we must first have perfect love. God is love, and we were created and redeemed out of love, so we are works of God's love. But here's the tricky part about love: It can't exist without free will. I mean, if u force a person to love u, can u really say it's love? God could have easily created perfect sinless people programmed to love him perfectly, just as he loved us. But then, it wouldn't really be called love, would it?

That's why He gave us this important gift of free will, the ability to choose to love Him or not. And even though by right we should all choose to love Him, all of us have chosen not to. that's why we sin. That's why there's death and suffering, because of ourselves. But free will is very important; without free will there cannot be love. So God created us precisely to reason, to question, to choose, to defy. And it is only when we question our faith, and we try to put it into perspective, that it truly becomes ours, it truly becomes us.

Think of a fanatic radical, brought up with strict rules of religions, following doctrines and rituals he never really understood, but believes it to be the unquestionable truth. That is in many ways admirable, but not so admirable as a person who reads the Bible and says: "I disagree." Goes about disagreeing with it, then realises that it hurts others or makes him unhappy, then realises why God wants this for him, and then practices it. This is much more beautiful. True, NOTHING gives us the right to question the Bible, but when we do, we know we can always be forgiven because God died for us.

U know, i think eventually all of us will follow the Bible unquestionably, and that will be in heaven. Because it is only when we have attained perfection, Holiness, and become saints, that we can truly and wholeheartedly follow the truths stated in the Bible. And this is not out of any brainwashing or fear, but out of complete and perfect love, a love that can only be completed by the grace of God.

Another thing is, if I were to be a perfect Catholic, or at least try to be, like every Friday don't eat meat, everyday say Rosary, not a single bad word from my mouth, then I'd get tired really fast. The first few weeks will be easy, but after a while we'll just get sian and ask "why r we doing this?"

Also, there are a lot of things i truly believe in. Like I think abortion is totally wrong and evil and barbaric. but if I were a perfectionst Catholic, pple would just think: ah... u're just saying that bcos ur Bishop told u to, or ur Pope told u to... U see, we've gotta keep it real. We're real pple with real weaknesses, real sins and real imperfections. If we don't keep it real, then those things which are real don't quite become real anymore.

I strongly believe that the best way to evangelise is by action. but what action is the most effective? Is it really pulling ur face whenever ur friends tell a dirty joke? Or vociferously condemning gambling when ur actually dying inside to bet on Italy? I think it's the small things, a kind word when it's really needed, befriending someone who's feeling left out, or deciding to stay home with Mum when she's feeling down. These things. "By this, all men will know you are My disciples."

And of course, getting involved! there's no better substitute to joining a Church group, getting out there and getting your hands dirty.... It's fun, meaningful, we'll break a lot of rules along the way, but God's Love touches your life thru it... And the more u love God, the more keeping His rules will come naturally to u. not bcos u wanna get in heaven by keeping them, but bcos u already know God's love bought ur ticket to heaven with his blood, and that the only natural thing to do is to Love Him in return, bcos He loved us first.

Yup... haha... my first really serious post :)

i'm feeling random today

2006-07-04T22:39:00.000+08:00

i'm feeling random today so i'll say some random stuff.

1. in yesterday's newspaper, i saw a quote from lindsey lohan. she said "I used to date a guy who kept calling me 'kid'--I hated it. I've been thru more than many pple have in lifetimes" wa lau. she's dam childish. i mean i liked some of her earlier movies but now she just sucks.

2. was walking home from my braces dentist today. there's this really sleazy place in lucky plaza that i have to pass to reach the mrt. it's called house of condom. so it sells like all those sex toys etc. then i saw a 50 plus year old couple stepping out of it holding hands. yuck. but heh at least they're trying to spice up the marraige. yuck. let me go puke now.

3. ok i'm back. there's a dammmm funny article in the newspaper today abt soccer players. it goes like a dictionary kind of definitions. hahahahahaha. my kind of humour. (btw that's how the queen spells humor, americans). here are some qoutes:

RONALDO
If u take it in the Brazilian context it means "fat person". As in "Eat too much and u'll become a Ronaldo". In Portugese context, it means "betrayal" or "traitor", usually refers to someone who stabs someone in the back by acting unsportingly. Historically, the English hardly use this word, however, they have an equivalent--"Bastard".

BECKHAM
A "Beckham" is a true English word.It's a word that can even bring tears to a glass eye because it's origin is so touching. A long time ago, there was an English prince, very handsome, not too bright, hapily married to a queen of shopping, who was very emotional whenever he fought for engalnd. This prince cried very often because evrytime he put on his battle gear, he got very emotional. This story has been used to inspire english achoolchildrin throughout the ages.
Usage: "you are so patriotic. One day, u'll be the Beckham of Singapore."

BALLACK
A Ballack is the German equivalent of Beackham, only if u r described as one, u wouldn't have cried so much. Since in German, it involves a certain degree of pain and angst. Describes sacrifice and struggle.

High Ballack: extreme pain, hobbling during football match.
Low Ballack: helpless suspension, where u sit out a game thru injury.

Usage: "your Ballack inspired us to push thru, and topple the regime that has dominated us for 50 years."

ERIKSSON
Can be used in many ways. It's so versatile that pple havr used it to descibe a depressed feeling, a hopeless state of mind, a sense of impotence, and a sense of no importance.

Usages for:

"boring": "I fell asleep in class today bcos Mrs Tan gave an Eriksson."
a sexual term: "U r such an Eriksson I wouldn't sleep with u even if u're the last man on Earth."
as an epithet: "Get away from me! Erik***n you!"

Ya. these r from an article my Tay Yek Keak for Life!

4. about asian guys: u know my grandpa never fails to surprise me. he's the typical asian JOhn Wayne--no affection, hard as a rock, and always pulling a long face. his famous quote: "Gua lasing you bettole bettole!" which is an amalgam of malay and english, and i'm not sure if there's some hokkien in there... it means "I'll whack u good good." haha. ok and whenever he walks with my grandma, he walks like 20 metres ahead of her, the quintessential asian gentlemanly way. and he always looks at his watch whenever grandma socialises with pple he couldn't care less for. (which like 80% of the pple she knows)
u get the picture.

but yesterday during a church thing, the priest was trying to make a point abt needing to trust those we love. so he asked my grandma to close her eyes and grandpa to lead her wherever he liked. I was thinking "oh crap... this is just gonna be one embarassing standoff. pls pls pls don't scold the priest..." but to my surprise, he sprang up from his seat, and yes, i use "sprang" in the most literal meaning of the word, as in "my crazy 69 year old grandad sprang like an excited kid" and grasped grandma tightly by the hand AND wrist, and led her all the way around, opening doors, leading her thru rooms all over, and smiling as he did so. and he led her back deftly. i think he was really enthusiastic about leading his darling wife who trusted him, even for a short moment.

so the priest asked her how she felt abt it, and she said (mind u, this is a woman who frequently refers to her husband as a "lousy peranakan barbarian"), she said "I feel safe when guided by a person i trust." amazing. granpa really impressed me yesterday. then of course, after mass he goes back to his usual routine of yelling to the priest how the comfort taxi drivers should get together and oppose the taxi price hike. lol.

but my point is, i guess even tho we've got more western, asian guys r like that. really terrified of betraying any feelings of affection whatsoever. so all u asian girls out there who're thinking of ditching your asian dude for a more "open" western guy, remb that asian guys r actually full of love, just needs the right situation to bring it out. it's kind of like a beauty and the beast kind of story, the womans affection and patience brings out the best in a hardened man... and in moments like this when it happens, it's really beautiful la, i must say.

and really, i think a lot of times, ang mo guys r just gimmicky. all the roses n chocolates and "soulmate" and "i will die for u"... it's nice la, but gets kinda lame if used alot of times, and many times, it's just bullshit. pardon my nationalistic feelings. heh. but a lot of them r nice also :) just to be politically correct. just can't stand asian girls who say they'll never go for asian guys... (no, that's not an excuse i got b4, in case ur wondering...)

haha. ok enough of my random rant.

kiss my ass.

i don't give a shit

2006-07-02T20:36:00.000+08:00

u know... before today, there're a million times i wanted to, but never said fuck in my blog. u know why? bcos i'm afraid that when i go for job interview for psc or sth, they're gonna dig up my blog and use it against me. well u know what, i don't fucking care any fucking more. so here's a tribute to all u fuckers out there who told me not to "create a bad impression". FUCK YOU! FUCK, FUCK, FUCK, FUCK, FUCK!

u know i realised my whole life i've always cared what pple think abt me? i always wanna give my teachers a good impression. whenever i'm out in public in school uni, i always behave like guai kia, whenever my friends played cards in public (which btw is only once), di u know whatn i think of? guess. just guess. i imagine that the police r gonna come, arrest us for gambling and then get a police record and i cannot work for civil service any more.... u know when we played pool and sneaked in an underage guy, everytime the music stopped, i imagined that it was a raid and the police were gonna arrest us all... it's ruined my life... u know i'm never able to enjoy what i do cos i'm always woried to give a bad impression... this fucking paranoia has fucking consumed me!

and u know what the worst part is? i'm not likely to change anytime soon. i can tell myself i don't care but i probably do. so here goes " I DON'T CARE WHAT THE WORLD THINKS OF ME ANYMORE. FUCK." there. i did it. did i change? i dunno, i really dunno.

u know, being a kid who was always at the top, pple will always tell me "must get a good portfolio." they've also conveniently told me, out of the kindness of their kind loving hearts, exactly what a good portfolio comprises. hmm... let's see... ok, the government says i must have good grades. check. the government says i must be well rounded. let's see... i learn music. check. i do fencing. check. but my napfa fail. oh no. how? i'm not well rounded enough to qualify as a real person. the government says i must show passion for what i study. so i study science. so ust do science research. oh ya i participated in a science research combination just for this. yes! the government's gonna be real pleased with me. i mean that's totally gonna get me further man. wow. i have so much passion man. government says i've got to be a leader. oh fuck! i should have joined sc... now how to get psc scholarship like that??? how to have my precious "overseas study experience"? how? ok... i was a leader in my church group and church camp... but it's church, so doesn't qualify. as far as i'm concerned, that's worth nothing. ok. thanks, guys, u've really shown me how to enrich my life. i dunno what i'd do without u....

my whole bloddy life i've been obssesed with creating an impression for others... then what happened? i become a bloody nerd la! so now i have to denerdify myself.

but then again, shld i listen if pple say i'm a nerd, and should i change? i mean, if i hate being a conformist, and don't wanna conform what pple think is a good career, a godd portfolio, etc.., then why shld i change to denerdify myself? wouldn't that like not be true to myself?

but then again, is there really a "myself"? i mean, when we say we're being true to oursleves, who are we really talking abt? who is this nebulous person we call "myself"? is he a set of properties, with certain likes and dislikes. but then again, aren't our likes and dislikes formed from others in the first place? so maybe there really isn't a "myself"... so maybe we form our own "myselfs"...

ok, what do i know abt myself, and if i chenge EVERYTHING, what's not gonna change?

1. I love God.
2. I know God loves me and that Jesus died for me.
3. I know that love is the most important thing in the universe.
4. I know I love my friends, because I love God in them.
5. I know God is in all humanity, so I should love all humanity.

yup.that's about it. u know, everything else: my hobbies, my interests, everything was fromed from pple. everything's arbitrary. everything can change and i guess i wouldn't be changing who i am. or is it too late? has this already become who i am? i seriously hope not. if everything changes, then only those 5 points above must not change. everything else can change, and i'll be true to myself.

so i really dunno... i'd like to say i don't care abt creating a good impression, but truth is, even if we hate it, it's still the sad truth in this world. and anw, change doesn't happen overnight... so see how lar...

i won't end this message with a thanks. that's a step i guess. haha...

kiss my ass.

sian.

2006-06-29T22:29:00.000+08:00

sian. everyone finish common test. but i got bio s test tmr.... but haha there's evolution... that one little to read.... urrgh ecology also got... sian to learn cos it's like geog....

even so, i'm blogging now and spent 2 hours eating dinner with wei siong. yes wei siong came home from US a few days back.... he's some guy i know who used to teach my class bio for a term... he's supposed to be quite pro... studying bioengin at u penn... but apparently he's pissed at alotta things... says it's not as great as pple make it out to be... haharrr.. sounds familiar...
but it was cool tlking aft all these months... but dinner was way too ex for too little... but poor jk.. cos he recommended the place and we all suan him... say him rich kid... aiya but then again he did lose lyk $700 on soccer...

the past few days have been a fleeting experience... going to sch for a few hours to finish papers only to go home and do more papers... only thing to look forward to is the end of common test... but then again prelims in 2 months... arrrgh... the next half a year will but a fleeting existence such as this... times like these we gotta hold on to whatever we love... so that we can hold on to our sanity... worst part is, i just went thru this 2 years ago and it wasn't pretty... dammmmm sian....

thanks :)

Haikus

2006-06-27T21:38:00.000+08:00

since i'm in a poem mood today, i'll produce one last one.... before i go mug chem for tmr... it's a collection of haikus i wrote... I love haikus bcos they're so simple and elegant, and so mysterious... don't know if mine are though...

1.Playing hide-and-seek
Sunlight flickers, blackened leaves
Teasing as i pass.

2.Angsana seeds have
Drifted onto the pavement.
Warm evening sighs.

3.Across the blue sky
White clouds sail by and I ask:
Will we meet again?

4.An effervescence
Rises, rises beyond me,
Too many bubbles.

Ok. now i gotta go mug for chem...

Thanks.

Friends Forever

2006-06-27T21:20:00.000+08:00

ok here's another poem. this ones a very sentimental/nostalgic one. abt loss. not death kind of loss, but another kind of loss. it's about how temporary everything is, and how everything comes to an end. there's something tragic about the innocence and naivete that comes is portrayed here. a kind of a peter-pan-always-wanting-to-stay-in-neverland-forever-but-cannot kind of sadness. it's my favourite poem i've ever wrote. cos it's imspired from my own experience. enjoy.

Friends Forever

It's funny how
Our memories never seem to grow old.

While our hands get more calloused
Face gets more chiselled
And hair grows in the weirdest places
You still stay as innocent as ever
In my heart.

Somehow
I still remember your cute ponytails
Your young face and fair skin
And the way your eyes twinkle
Whenever you smiled.

And it's funny how
The multi-coloured inks
Spread in a bold chilidish font all over my autograph book
Never seem to lose their bright colour.
The "Friends 4ever"
Scribbled on the day we parted
Still shines brightly.

It's funny how
All the rest of my photographs yellow
Yet the ones with you in it
Stay as fresh as ever.

It's funny how
I can so vividly recall every childish joke
We laughed at together
All those years ago
And still laugh to myself
Tenderly.

And you know what?
Here's the funniest part.
When I finally do see you again
After all these years
You're not quite that little girl anymore
Not quite so bubbly
Not quite so warm.

And somehow
When I look back from here
The colourful words in my autograph book
Seem to have faded slightly,
The photos seem to have
Yellowed.
And the memories of that day
When we pink-promised to stay
Friends Forever
Seemed so much more distant.

ok. that's the poem. not bad right? i wrote it last year... but was too swakoo know how to put it on a blog... but it's rare that i actually write such a heartfelt one. hope u enjoyed it. it's a window into my psyche... heheheh... thanks...

Coins

2006-06-27T21:01:00.000+08:00

ok i really shouldn't be writing this now. i got a chem test tmr and my teacher promises we'll die. but anw, here's a poem i wrote last year

i think pretty ok la, one of my better ones i feel. i was inspired by a sandman comic, where a genie held an entire knigdom for eternity in a jar, the wish of a great sultan of an empire at its peak. there was sth haunting abt it, sth sad, sth tragic that i wanted to communicate in this poem. it's about stopping to take a breath and look at our world gone by. it's a tribute to all our lost dreams and hopes that we've forgotten in the fast beat of life.

Coins

He simply sits there
Gazing by the old fountain
Down by 37th street and 8th Avenue
As the bustling multitude of life
Shuffels by.
Sometimes can't help but wonder
Between the mouldy cracked fountain
And the tired old man
Which is the monument?

And he sits there still
Patiently waiting for when the hustle, every once in a while
Stops.
And breathes.

Today that breath
Took the form of a young man
A go-getter
Sporting a sharp Ralph Lauren Jacket
Sprinting between his executive job
And his trophy wife.

When the young man just stops
And the hustle around him fades
And he has that same familiar look in his eyes.
The same look everyone has
When they
Stop.
Staring back at the old moument.

The young man reaches deep into his deep pocket
Brimming with dimes, quarters and dollars
And pulles out a single nickel
Closes his eyes
Draws his breath
And tosses it ito the old fountain.

There ends the brief relationship
Between the old and the new
As the young executive rejoins the city bustle
And the old man slowly
Reaches into the fountain
Picking that single nickel
And puts it into his little collection box
A jar of coins.

Like...Totally... I'm sooo popular...

2006-06-25T00:29:00.000+08:00

quek: ok guys, tonight on the like totally, i'm sooooo popular show, we got a really, hot chick tonight. no, that hot chick isn't me, although i really am popular.... like totally.... so let's give a like totally welcome to the like totally popular chick...omg... miss tan... arrrgh.....

tan: hi, omg, i totally can't believe i'm on the ....

quek and tan: LIKE TOTALLY I'M SOOOOO POPULAR SHOW..... ARRRGH....

quek: so ms tan, how does it feel to be on the like totally i'm so popular show...?

tan: like totally, totally COOL. cos it like totally describes me.

quek: why?

tan: cos, i'm like... so popular, and that's like... so totally true!

quek: totally!

tan: totally!

quek: totally!

tan: totally!

quek and tan: ARRRGH....!!!!

quek: so, tan, pls tell us all here, how come you're so like totally popular?

tan: omg, i like so totally predicted you were gonna ask that question! i must be, like, psychic or something.

quek: totally...

tan: so yeah, one of the reasons why i'm like so totally popular, is because i'm always outstanding, outperforming and out having fun.

quek: whoa, that's really like super way out there, so how do you do that?

tan: well, i'm glad you asked. i'm like totally achieving my best in everything i do. and i have like soooooooo much fun doing it.

quek: really?

tan: like totally... i mean like you know i have a boyfriend....

quek: yes, we all know. and i'm like soooo totally jealous of you.

tan: yeah his name's lee and we like so totally spend all our time together. i mean, yeah i manage to play music with him, play sports with him, and you know like serve him everyday with my totally like totally BIG BIG BIG....

quek: yes, tan, we all know u have like totally BIG....

tan: PASSION! cos i'm like so seriously seriously and totally cross my heart and hope to die committed to lee and i've got the lee spirit allllllll over me. u know he's like the coolest guy i ever know. ad like ya that's what the lee spirit is all about.... without like the lee spirit, i would, like totally totally die. cos my passion is to like serve him. and him alone. and he loves me for doing that.

quek: wow. u must be like totally the happiest chick alive.

tan: like totally.... and u know i'm sooooo freaking committed to him that many times i like stayed over at his house so late that his like parents came home. and we were like totally "SHIT!", and i was like totally, "i've got to climb out from the back gate, man."

quek: omg, u climbed out the back gate from his house? omg omg omg.... that must be like soooo totally cool. how many of us actually get to climb the back gate like tan eh? how many? doesn't that like so totally describe her PASSION for her like totally cool boyfriend?

tan: like totally!

quek: totally!

tan: totally!

quek: totally!

quek and tan: ARRRGHHHH....!!!!

tan (crying): omg... i'm really really so like totally happy.... i feel like i'm so totally blessed to have such a realy cool relationship with my mondo-super-cool boyfriend, lee. i mean like i've climbed his gate and and alll.... omg... i mean like all those losers who like, don't really know lee are all like fugly bitches.... cos they will never truly feel like the lee spirit i feel, and u know like the lee years are like the best years of our lives, and we should all cherish our lee years cos he's like sooooo totally wayyy cool... and i really feel sorry for those losers, who have never experienced and real happiness like i have.

quek: omg, tan, that's like soooo totally touching, i'm... i'm almost... gonna cry....

tan: let it all out, quek, u and i like totally have the lee spirit and that's like so totally alll we're ever gonna need to get thru life...

quek (crying and fanning herself with her hands): ....sob....that's like....sob.... so like....sob.....totally....like soooo totally true.....

quek (wiping her tears): so thanks again tan, for coming on the like totally i'm soooo popular show..... see u again soon.... i hope u and lee like continue to make countless treasured memories that will like totally last forever....

tan: like totally....

more on V for vendetta

2006-06-24T23:15:00.000+08:00

ok i'm so boh liao now i'm gonna include my favourite scene from v from vendetta. so evey is this young girl who lived on a totalitarian society, and was taken in by v (the superhero). he threw her out, where she met this guy and they became lovers. than the govt thugs came and killed her lover like they did to fer father many years before. she tried to take revenge but ended up in a prison, where she was systematically and brutally tortured, and forced to sign a false confession about v, threatened with death. she chose to die instead of lose her principals. later, she was released and found out that it was v all along, torturing her himself. after scolding him, this is where the argument leads to....

evey: you say u want to set me free and u put me in a prison.

v: u were already in a prison. u've been in a prison all your life.

evey: shut up! i don't want to hear it! i wasn't in a prison! i was happy.

v: happiness is a prison, evey. happiness is the most insidious prison of all.

evey: that's warped! that's warped and evil and wrong! i went to live with somebody. i..i was in love with him. i was happy. if that's a prison, then i don't CARE!

v: don't u? your lover lived in the prison we were all born into, and was forced to rake the dregs of that world for his living. he knew affection and tenderness but only briefly... eventually, one of the other inmates stabbed him with a cutlass and he drowned upon his own blood. is that it, evey? is that the happiness worth more than freedom?... I didn't put u in a prison, evey, i just showed u the bars.

evey: you're wrong! it's just life, that's all! it's how life is! it's what we've got to put up with. it's all we've got. what gives you the right to decide it's not good enough?

v: you were born into a prison. u've been in a prison so long, you no longer believe there's a world outside.

evey starts running from v.

evey: shut up! you're mad! i don't want to hear it!

v: that's bcos you're afraid, evey. you're afraid bcos u can feel freedom closing in on u. u're afraid bcos freedom is terrifying...

evey: i can't feel anything! there's nothing to feel! leave me alone!

v: don't back from it evey. part of u understands the truth as part pretends not to.

evey clutches to a pillar, broken.

v: woman, this is the most important moment of yout life. don't run away from it.

evey starts to choke, grasping her throat.

evey: i don't know what... you're... oh God. oh God. i can't... breathe... asthma... when i was a little... cuh...girl...

v: good. you're almost there. go closer. feel the shape of it. your mother died. they took your father away. there's a little girl, evey, and she's screaming...

evey: a-huh... aa--huhh... oh, make it stop... what... are u doing to me? oh, i can't... breathe... auhhuhhh....

v: u were in a cell, evey. they offered u a choice between the death of your principles and the death of your body.

evey: oh, oh. i can feel it... i'm going to die, i'm going to burst...

v: u said u rather die. u faced the fear of your own death, and u were calm and still. try to feel now what u felt then...

evey (crying): i...uhhh...oh God... i felt... uhh... i... felt...

evey: like.... an angel.

evey: oh God, v. oh God, i'm so scared, i'm so cold.... what's happening to me?

v: the door of the cage is open, evey. all that u feel is the wind from the outside. don't be afraid.

yup. that's the scene. maybe u won't find it good but i find it dammmm good. the book is very loaded with ideas like this. maybe this'll help u to understand my personal profile a little more. sometimes opening your eyes is painful and terrifying. but if u open them long enough, u'll see the outside world, and it'll set u free. u will soar upon wings of love and freedom.

ten things u didn't know about pseudomonas denitrificas

2006-06-24T22:55:00.000+08:00

1. It is a denitrifying bacteria that needs waterlogged soils and anaerobic conditions to work.

2. It badly affects crop growth.

3. It's name is in my bio test.

4. apparently, cambridge wants me to memorise it's name, so i did.

5. today, i spent 10 minutes of my life reading about it.

6. it's name has 23 freaking letters. almost as much as the whole alphabet. but my name also has 23 letters... haha...

7. we have a lot in common.

8. we're both misunderstood creatures. why do they hate it? why do farmers hate this poor bacteria? why is so misunderstood and unloved? i love it, i'm it's only friend. we hate society for discriminating us...

9. P.Denitrificas is my BESTEST friend in the whole world.

10. I love it.

Thank you.

why is there a 1200 character limit????

2006-06-23T02:12:00.000+08:00

ok i spent so long typing a profile of myself, but realised it went wayyy of the limit. so i'm not happy. so how? i'm posting it la... here's the FULL UNCUT version:

yes hello, my name is mark.i'm 18 this year and studying in vj.but i won't be outstanding outperforming and outhavingfun for long, cos soon i'll be headed to the wonderful tropical paradise of pulau tekong. where i'll get a free haircut, that's sure to better than my current one.

what do i do when i'm free? well, is "not applicable" a good answer?

the most impt thing u need to know abt me is that i'm a Catholic, AND a Christian, for those of u who still think i can't be both, then go eat a bullet. yes Catholics are Christians, but not necessarily the other way round. and for those of u non-catholics who are wondering, yes, we can't have sex before marraige. and i yes, i haven't. (if u can't tell by now then u really think highly of me) and no, i don't disagree cos, call me old fashioned but i think sex is sacred and shldn't be ruined by sleeping with many pple... so for all u horny ladies out there, u ain't getting a piece of me... :P

yes i love comics, but too bad they're really ex and most of them r kind of scary.
but there're really good ones out there. i'm reading v for vendetta now. haven't watched the movie but the book's really good. that's the kind of comic i like.

ok, i'm studying trip science in jc now and no i don't think i'll be a scientist. what do i wanna do? don't know. but i want to do sth that helps pple. anw, knowing what u wanna do is overrated. don't listen to the effing government when they tell u that u need "passion", and be "driven to achieve new goals". balls. passion dies fast. and achieving goals is selfish.

my major belief, is that almost everyone lives in a fantasy world, an illusion. blinded by the traps we built for ourselves. traps like yearning for wealth, prestige, and most devious of all, a "meaningful life". and taking the red pill's hard. but it is only when we're truly selfless, then we're truly free. that's why my fav part of v for vendetta was when v freed evey from her illusions. and i strongly feel only God can set us free. period. so contact me if u want that.

but i think this belief makes me too proud. so i need to work on my humility (or lack of it)

ya basically i think i'm a bloody nerd la. from the look, down to the lifestyle. i'm caught between denerdifying myself, and being true to myself.

that'll be all for now.

thank you.

ok now i'm serious

2006-06-23T01:57:00.000+08:00

ya... yesterday very happy to setup a new blog, now i'm gonna put some serious stuff down la. was studying like mad today (actually yesterday). nothing helps destress better than a jog. at night. jogging's actually very spiritual.

as i run

only the pace lingers.

the mind quites

but the heart races.

recollections

flood the soul

like the wind beating upon me.

the day's truimphs

and failures;

yes, failures,

rush through me

comforting me.

and then i feel God

in the embrace of the cool night

singing.

yup, this poem is about my jogging 3 hours ago.

why am i called jumpoverthewall?

2006-06-21T23:38:00.000+08:00

ah ha. yes, it's a food.

no. i don't like it.

ya basically when i was sec 1, i was walking alone in a quiet jungle. some of my idiot friends went to touch my ankle with a leaf. i freaked out and shouted with a small jump.

they thought it was the funniest thing they saw. and i was fat. still am fat but used to be much fatter.

so they called me buddha jump over the wall. i only jumped a little.

oh i left out the buddha part cos it wasn't cool. jumpoverthewall is more mysterious.

thanks.

why do i say thanks?

2006-06-21T23:32:00.000+08:00

ok. if u read my last 2 messages, i ended both with "thanks". but why?

why do i always end every little sms and email with thanks? even when there's nothing to thank? i never noticed this before....? can someone tell me why?

ok here's what i think. i think it's this over-impulsion to please pple. or to be polite. i'm obssesed with politeness.

freak... why can't i be obssesed with cars or football or maple? i must be obsessed with politeness.

maybe it's from my mother or grandmother.

anyway.

thanks.

yay this idiot is so happy

2006-06-21T23:25:00.000+08:00

yay... this is my 2nd posting... the time is 2322. for tutorial on how to read military time, go to my 1st posting...

haha... i'm such a dumbass that i went to check my blog to see if my 1st posting was there. and it's there.... i'm so happy it's there, so now i'm doing a 2nd posting.... cos why? cos i can.

yay... i'm putting up my 2nd posting...

i feel i should say something about something.

ok.

i watched england vs trinidad. bored my pants off.

yay... my opinion is public...

yay...

will i get sued?

sorry sven, no offence to england.

oh and my pants never came off, for those of u internet police always looking for perverts to arrest. i kept my pants on during the match. "bored my pants off" is a figure of speech.

don't arrest me.

yay.... my 2nd posting...

thanks.

Full of Shit

2006-06-21T23:17:00.000+08:00

yay.... my first posting.... the time is 2316... for those of u who can't read military time that's 11.16pm. pm means at night. well at least for 11.16 pm. pm stands for post meridian. how do i know? cos i'm full of shit. ya. shit. that's what u call too much knowledge.

haha... a historical day for me.... finally my shit get's to go online for the world to admire... yes u idiots who admire shit. ok the shit thing's getting gimmicky.

that will be all for my first posting.

good day.

thanks.